Productive first day of the New Year:
Hopefully this productiveness will carry on through the rest of the year.
SMILE and BE CONTENT.
I hope that this New Year brings:
Whatever changes 2018 brings, remember that nothing changes how you stand before the Lord your God.
You are saved, sealed and sanctified.
You are a child of God.
You are forever loved.
Tonight has been a really difficult night for me.
Randomly, I am awash with a really deep hurting inside.
There is a heaviness weighing down in my heart,
A throbbing ache in my gut,
A desperate sorrow that I cannot even begin to describe.
Somehow, tears of loneliness have found their way out of the sockets of my eyes.
I am terribly missing something that has never been mine.
I am overcome with agonising wanting.
For companionship, for friendship, for relationship.
If ever I knew a lonely girl, I am the one.
My singleness is slowly but surely eating me away.
It is the thorn in my flesh, my cross to bear.
I want to love and be loved.
I want to treasure and be treasured.
I want a hand to hold and another pair of footsteps next to mine as I journey along this road of life.
God never promised to fulfil these earthly desires.
So far, His answers have been no, no and no.
The NO refrain is a hard pill to swallow,
Especially when so many other people have been given the yes, the go ahead, the try again.
Why, oh Lord? What do I make of this suffering of singleness?
What can I learn from this hopeless loneliness?
I do not have an answer.
But I know that your will is mysterious and always good.
I know that well in my head.
Yet tonight, my head refuses to speak to my heart.
Rather, this heart refuses to hear reasons from a level-head.
This bitter heart wallows in sorry self-pity.
This broken heart is screaming out its pain.
This wretched heart drowns out the whispers of your love tonight.
Father God, forgive this irrational, grief-stricken heart.
Comfort it and draw it back to you.
Love is nothing, if love is without you.
Whenever my mum sends me messages like this, my heart feels all warm and fuzzy and I feel a little bashful. I am so thankful for this beautiful and resilient woman who gave birth to me and raised me, and till this day still loves me so unconditionally. On a day like this, my celebrations are now so much more about her and less about me. Thank you mama, I love you to the moon and back.
In these last few years, I have really struggled with conflicting feelings on each birthday. On one hand I feel like “this is SUCH A SPECIAL DAY, I need to cherish every second!” Yet on the other hand, I do not really know how to celebrate anymore. I do not throw parties, or invite friends to dinner, or want to make much of a fuss these days… largely because I don’t really have many close friends left in this city, but also because I am too lazy, and also because I do feel burdened by the weight of every rise in the numbers that indicate my age.
Perhaps on a day of emotional conflict like this, it will be best to spend some time in thoughtful reflection. Here it goes..
Things I am thankful for:
Things I am prayerful for (short-term):
Things I want to fully trust God for (longer-term):
Dear Lord, hear my prayers.
So, last night was amazing.
I feel like I got drunk on GD last night and am nursing a hangover today. A really good hangover. I cannot stop thinking about him and my heart continues to ache for him.
GD was THE BOMB.
He was so beautiful and charismatic.
He looked so fashionable in everything he adorned.
Every dance move, every flick of his hair, every finger lifted was just oozing with manliness.
His songs were like lyrical whirlpools that sucked me in and drowned me in the sea of his melodious dulcet tones.
He spoke to his audience only very briefly, in English. And though his pronunciation carried a strong Korean twang that was difficult to decipher at times, you cannot help but love him more, simply because he tried.
Admittedly, the sound system wasn’t the most impressive and at times I struggled to figure out if I was hearing him sing live or if it was the back-up track.
Admittedly, it was too crowded in the standing zone with everyone pushing forward and that felt uncomfortable.
Admittedly, my feet were hella sore from 4 hours of being on my feet.
But despite all these, it was all worth it.
GD was perfect.
It was so good to be able to see him up close. For 2 hrs, this man of my dreams was real- standing right in front of me, breathing the same air I breathed.
I melted when I finally saw that gorgeous breath-snatching smile for the first time in real life- the magical smile that has powers to push the corners of my own lips upward.
He was mesmerising. I could not take my eyes off him. I could not even bear to look away for a second- not to watch his backup dancers twirling around beside him, not to even glance at the band members he was introducing, and certainly not to look at my camera’s view finder as I struggled to capture every blessed moment of him standing right before my eyes. My gaze was completely and utterly fixed onto him- my GD.
I am besotted.
However, despite all that perceived perfection, I got a strong feeling that he was sad. I could not see any fire in his eyes. He sang song after song according to the plan… but I found him wanting. Wanting of soul and passion and of joy. At times, it seemed as though he was just going through the motions. Other times, he would cover his eyes with his hand or hat or even bury his head in his arm to avoid eye contact. The melancholy that he always seems to be shrouded in was even more obvious in real life. It felt as if this stunningly successful young man was secretly but seriously hurting on the inside. My heart went out to him when I saw tears welling up in his eyes, and I just wanted to pull him closer into a sweet embrace.
Tonight, GD plays his gig in London. I, on the other hand am leaving Birmingham to go home back up north. I miss him dearly already.
Ji Yong, please stay safe in the army and come back soon after your 2 years of military service. In the meantime, I will work hard on learning Korean and losing weight to become the best version of myself… Hopefully, I will see you again then, and you will see me too.
It is the 23rd of September!
After waiting for months, I am finally here in Birmingham waiting to go and see Ji Yong at his concert.
I have been beside myself with excitement this past week whilst on nights… I could not help but keep talking about going to his concert to my SHO (poor girl, she had to put up with me and my never ending nonsensical rants).
It really has been a while since I have felt this kind of excitement. This kind of looking forward to something. This kind of feeling breathless and queasy with anticipation. Life has been so mundane and routine for so long that this feeling of exhilarating excitement has been a real breath of fresh air. It makes me feel alive again! Truth to be told, I feel as though I am waiting to go on a date- something that I have desired for so long but have never experienced. Now, I can’t wait to see this beautiful man! I really hope that GD’s gig doesn’t let me down tonight. I want him to sing to me, to make me dance, to charm me and to take my breath away.
This made me wonder…
Do I look forward to Jesus the same way? Am I feeling sweaty with palpitations anticipating the arrival of my beautiful bridegroom Jesus? If I claim to love Christ so much then why am I not talking about him animatedly to everyone around me, whether or not they seem interested in hearing about it?
As I am waiting for GD, do not forget that I am ultimately waiting for GOD.
Be strong and courageous
The Lord of the Ages
Holds all His little ones,
Safe by His side
Be strong and courageous
The Lord of the Ages
Holds all His little ones safe
Do not fear the fire,
Do not fear the water,
Do not fear the thunder,
Jesus has conquered them all.
Do not fear the darkness
Do not fear the sadness
Do not fear the sickness
Jesus has conquered them all
Do not fear the enemy
Do not fear the poverty
Do not fear eternity
Jesus has conquered them all
Repeating these words to myself over and over again:
Sore today, strong tomorrow.
Be determined, and weight loss should follow.
Hang in there, even with your brows furrowed.
When glutes are hurting, and quads are crying.
Biceps screaming, triceps sobbing.
When you’re exhausted, with muscles throbbing,
Believe it is possible, even when you’re just so…
Shattered and sore.
Aching right down to the core.
This smile absolutely makes me weak in the knees. I love it when he looks so genuinely happy. Whilst he looks undeniably suave in his sombre-faced pictures, there always seems to be a deeply hidden and unspoken sadness in his eyes… a dispiritedness that makes me feel sorry for him. On the other hand, I love it when he smiles like this, this smile lights up the room, and the tinge of melancholy that seems married to him instantly dissipates. This charming boyishness bowls me over again and again.
Can’t wait to see you at your M.O.T.T.E concert in September!