情敌贝多芬

So, remember how I thought I had gotten over Lee Hom only a couple of days ago?

Thinking that my heart may finally be sufficiently strong to resist his charm, I finally summoned enough courage to take his “Free show” album (that I bought ages ago) out of the box.

The first song in the CD was his first ‘hit’ from 20 years ago- 情敌贝多芬; with a new arrangement.

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I melted.

His music sent my heart racing all over again.

I was on the train and I just could not help but plaster a smitten look on my face.

Such enchanting talent! His musical creativity alone has bewitched me yet again!

I seriously think this man may be a wizard.

He has completely undone the 18 months I invested in emotional untangling.

In 4 minutes, he has made me fall head over heels in love again.

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疗愈中 (终?)

Screen shot 2015-07-27 at 00.02.34这位英俊潇洒的男生在一年半载前狠狠地砸碎了我爱慕他的玻璃心

努力地不听、不看、不想后,我终于觉得自己好像可以放手了

别人的老公、有了小孩的爸爸- 这男生再也不是我能够迷恋的对象

放下了

现在开始要学习祝福

难以启齿的心乱如麻

力宏:

你好狠啊!

在我还未来得及跟你相识、相爱、相惜以前,你就不加思索地把我从小到大对你的单恋给狠狠地活埋了。 你抢走了我年少狂妄的胡思乱想。你让我乱箭攒心、泪流成河;也给了我数以万计的不知所措。

在这伤感与惆怅的涡旋里沉浮着的我真的觉得自己好像快要窒息了。

在你结了婚以后,我就下定决心要让自己对你那疯狂的爱慕化为简单的仰慕。我要阻止自己对一个有了婚事的男人拥有任何不当的幻想。 为了朝向这个目标前进,我可是破釜沉舟地费尽了多大的心思啊!对于你的一切,我都得格外地小心翼翼!避开你的消息、不听你的音乐、拒看你的视品,也就成了避免我睹物思人的不二法则。

努力疗伤了三个月后,我以为我终于能从“失恋”的阴霾中走出来了。我自信满满地认为你已经成了我的“过去式”。 我以为我终于可以开始祝福了。直到今天。。。我看了你所主演的一部电影,也听见了你唱的一首新歌。。。毫无预警的,我又无可自拔地深陷进去了。我对你所有的爱慕波涛汹涌地把我再度征服了。我喜欢你的心情竟依然并没有一丝丝的减少。 看见你帅气的脸孔,听见你那迷惑我十多年的歌声,我不禁又对你心动了。心动与心痛,就这样在我心里同时住了下来。

你是魔术师吗?是巫师吗?是精灵吗?为什么我就是没有办法把你从我心里丢掉?

我承受不了了。就今天- 我就纵容自己一天,让自己再度地深深爱你一天。

明天。明天再来绞尽脑汁想个办法处理掉这一份藕断丝连。

力宏,我情不自禁地想要跟你说:“我依然爱你。”

我依然爱你 或许是 命中注定
多年之后 任何人都无法代替
那些时光 是我这一辈子最美好的
那些回忆 依然无法忘记

我依然爱你 就是唯一的退路
我依然珍惜 时时刻刻的幸福
你每个呼吸 每个动作 每个表情
到最后 一定会 依然爱你

悼念我刻骨铭心的单恋

这是一篇迟来的文章。

我没有办法在夜深人静的时候独自一个人面对这一番痛,所以选择在特内里费岛机场等待着回家的班机时写下这篇日记。在川流不息的人潮中, 我应该会在这些陌生人身上找到一丝丝的勇气吧!因为有他们的眼神,有他们的关注,我想我总不至于会在大众面前嚎啕大哭吧?!但他们不晓得的是,我即将赤裸裸地把心掏出,再把它身上的疤全部重新打开。我要让这伤口好好的流血,让它刺骨地痛一番,再用我心中的泪水将它彻底的清理干净。唯有如此,这总是隐隐作痛的伤口才有可能完全愈合。

好不容易的,我终于要诚实的地面对已经发生的事实,以及我心中深感的遗憾。

我失恋了。

这十年以来,我一直都深爱着一个男生。我被他的英俊潇洒给吸引了,为他的才华洋溢着迷了。我喜欢上他踏遍世界各地的双足, 仰慕着他的成熟稳重、内涵与气质。他,近乎是个完美的男人。

我喜欢听他唱歌,颂出他心中所渴望的浪漫爱情。我爱看他性感的手腕及修长的手指头在钢琴键上舞蹈着。我迷上他拉小提琴时脸上所流露出的专注与惆怅。我恋上他的灿烂笑容,恋上他被音符与旋律牵引着的手舞足蹈。他是多么地耀眼迷人- 是个属于舞台上的奇人。

我爱上的也是个多愁善感的新好男人。他孝顺爱家,有情有义。他心地善良,并对这世界与社会抱有着无比的责任感。他对自己的工作认真且执着,为了自己的梦想做出了极大的牺牲与奉献。

但看着他过着孤独寂寞的艺术家生涯,居无定所地每天化身为空中飞人,我是多么的疼惜啊!

既然如此,那为什么我却对他突如其来的婚讯感到如此的感伤呢?毫无预警的,晴天霹雳的,我对他所有所有的幻想全都在一瞬间破灭了,全都化成了灰。

现实生活中的我怎么也找不到自己命中注定的爱情。于是,我已不知不觉的把心中的渴望跟情感完完全全的投射在这个完美人身上。不料,现在我竟然连这份虚拟的爱情也没有办法掌握住。像沙子从指缝间流逝一般,我越是想要牢牢抓住,这份莫名其妙的爱意就消失得越快。真没想到,我竟如此荒谬地从一场从未开始过的恋爱中失恋了。奇怪的是,像这样失去从来都不曾拥有的爱情怎么还是会让人如此的悲哀?我的头好晕,心情好沉重,打从骨子里头觉得好难过。现在,到底该怎么办?

他选择的女生小我一岁,是个日-台混血儿。脸蛋特别清秀,身材高挑且亮丽。她在美国的哥伦比亚大学念研究所,所以脑袋也应该不错。他与她是多么的登对,是天作之合。我是应该要祝福他们的。但是,每当我想到他们拉着彼此的小手,或是他们无名指上套着的定情婚戒,我心中最丑陋的嫉妒鬼就是不听使唤的非要出来大闹一番。

再给我多一点时间吧。

时间或许会慢慢地冲淡这份伤感。

时间或许会让我学会祝福。

Screen shot 2013-11-30 at 04.03.33

Disappointed with the new song

So, I have patiently waited for a new song by my all-time favourite artist, Lee Hom, for the longest time.

He normally releases a new album every year. And when he does, I would ring home incessantly and nag at mum to procure it ASAP in Singapore so that she can pop it into the post for me. I then check my mail with anticipation everyday for the next week until Mr English Postman finally delivers the much coveted package. Whatever the day of the year that may be, I have always felt like an excited little girl on Christmas day.

The songs from his new disc would then serve to keep me entertained through long-haul flights, boring train journeys, lonely bus trips, and painful revision nights for the next 12 months. Last year, he released a compilation album with only 2 new songs to keep things fresh for me for the rest of the year. Needless to say, I have savoured every millisecond of each song a million times over, and am now craving for new tunes to feed my addiction to his music.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, Lee Hom has released a new song. One that I wish I could say I love, but unfortunately cannot. I do not mean to dismiss the fact that he has put immense effort into writing it, or even to say that it sounds bad. I just feel disappointed because I simply could not hear his soul in this new song. The music is typical of what he coins as the “chinked-out” style, but I have to admit that it does not stand out as one of his best works- it sounds so similar to a couple of his previous works that they all kind of just blend and blur into one. The lyrics make little sense to me too, and they are a jumble of words that I find difficult to even read! I sense an attempt to promote world peace by encouraging harmonious living in the song, but the link between that message and the 12 Chinese zodiacs is so tenuous that it almost qualifies for “trying too hard.” As for the music video, it is vibrant and colourful and Lee Hom looks as sauve as he always does. However, the dance choreography is childish and embarrassing, and the scene sets look unabashedly fake. I cringed as I watched it.

I hate writing bad reviews, even more so when it is on the work of someone I have loved and admired for years! I have tried to listen to the song a few more times, hoping that I will think differently the more I hear it. I keep trying to convince myself that  it cannot be that bad coming from Lee Hom. But I guess where there are hits, there must be misses. Surely work and life and music must not be always awesome, always smooth-sailing, always perfect for Lee Hom. He is a normal human being after all. I just hope that he does have more new songs to share in a new album, because this one really isn’t going to keep me going till next December.

Missing Lee Hom again

Sometimes, I just can’t help but feel like I live in an idol drama. What are the chances, that I should miss seeing the man I absolutely adore for the 4th time in a row?

The chances of me catching a glimpse of him are slim enough with the 2 of us living in opposite sides of the world. And so, I hold on dearly to the times when we do end up being in the same continent, or even the same country. Frustratingly, our paths never seem to cross.

In November last year, he came to Singapore for a performance the very next day after I flew back to the UK.

In March this year, he visited Malaysia 3 days after I left Singapore for B’s wedding in Australia.

Earlier on in June, he came to Manchester to carry the Olympic torch. Yet, I still missed him because I was on a set of weekend night shifts.

And today, just 2 weeks after my long stretch of annual leave, he has swung by Singapore for his 火力全開 tour.

I have missed him, again and again and again.

I really want to see for myself this charming man to whom God has blessed with immense musical and theatrical talent. I want to hear him live and see him in the flesh, tickling away at the ivories of a piano, bashing away at a set of drums, strumming away at a guitar, or choreographing a nifty dance for the bow that he glides across the strings of his violin. I really want to witness his passion for his craft, and marvel at such talent that I do not possess.

10 years ago, on the 14th of December 2002, I saw LH for the first and last time. I remember him singing White Christmas a-cappella then, and for the first time in my life, I fully understood what it means to be mesmerised. He captivated my heart with his sweet singing, and I wondered around dazed and zombie-like thereafter, not knowing what to do with myself. He took my breath away, and until today, my heart has never fully come back to me.

Maybe next time.

Maybe I’ll finally see him again next time, whenever that is.

事與願違

在我心里, 總是偷偷地盼着能夠在某个幸福的夏天里,終於見到我心儀的力宏。

每次回新加坡,我都是抱着滿心的期盼,希望他會在同一个期間到我們的小島國來為專輯或電影作宣傳。已經快八年了,我卻依舊沒能見上他一面。

今年的三月時分,力宏終於在我回家的期間來到了東南亞。可惜的是,他只選在馬來西亞開演唱會。而我呢,也因為要到悉尼參加朋友的婚宴而沒辦法抽空到吉隆坡去“圓夢”。

現在,他終於決定要到新加坡表演了,而演唱會的日子就定在八月十八號-怎麼會選八月呢?!我七月中旬至下旬都在放假,怎麼不在這期間來演唱呢?我八月的時候就要開始到新的醫院去工作了,怎麼可能在開工兩个星期後就再度請假回家看他表演?

這也就算了,最慪的是,他將會在下个禮拜要來到英國的曼彻斯特傳奧運的燈火!曼彻斯特才離我家那麼近耶!好不容易的,力宏終於要來到我寄居已久的英國。但我還是沒有辦法看到他,因為我當晚要值大夜班!如果我不是个麻醉師,工作的時候不需要精神飽滿的話,那我當天下午一定會捨棄睡眠,跑到曼彻斯特去看他!

好可惜啊!為什麼總是事與願違?為什麼總是擦身而過?

真的好想見力宏一面。

這小小的心願,真的好難實現啊。

 

Celebrating celebrity

I was browsing Lee Hom’s microblog earlier on today. He had posted that he had gone filming for a new advertisement in utmost secrecy, but somehow his fans got wind of it and by the end of the day, the number of people who had turned up to 探班 was immense! He described the experience as a “high” comparable to the adrenaline rush he gets from his concert performances, and then posted a video of the crowd that mobbed him.

I could not help but feel a little sad for him.

Here is a man who has spent the last 16 years putting up with this kind of a lifestyle. He is under constant scrutiny. The fans out there who claim to love him undyingly are thirsty to know of his every movement. He is constantly photographed. The media probes unabashedly into his personal life- Where is he NOW? Who is he hanging out with? Who has he kissed? Who is his girlfriend? Is he gay? People gossip about him- how ungroomed he is away from the lights and cameras! Does he shave his underarms? What colour underwear did he wear to that awards show? Which restaurant did he dine in? Who are his friends and family? Can we stalk them too to get even more juicy gossip about this mega-super-star? Everyday, someone somewhere out there is trying to criticise and demean him, to catch him embarrassed, to compare him with some other celebrity…

Imagine living a life like his. You are travelling almost daily. Everyday, you spend hours flying in the air and travelling on the roads. Your life is in your suitcase. You wake up every morning not knowing where in the world you are. You have little control over where you want to be and who you want to see. Your schedule has already been decided upon by your manager and today you will film an advert, go to dance practice, sign autographs at a mall, then fly to another part of the world to perform at a concert…

The fans out there scream your name and proclaim their everlasting love for you. Where you go, they will follow. You cannot be seen walking around in public without some kind of a disguise as you will be mobbed. You go places, but hurry to the safety of your car as fan girls out there grab you and your clothes and attempt to kiss you. When you are in your vehicle, they bang on your car windows and it takes 10 minutes for the chauffeur to manoeuvre the car out of all the madness. And just when you think you are safely moving along on the roads away from the chaos, you look out of your rear windscreen and realise that the fans have packed themselves into mini-buses tailing you.

It must be nice to stand under bright lights basking in thunderous applause as a celebrity. It must be nice to have your fans sing along with you as you perform your latest song. It must be nice to have people telling you how amazing and inspiring you are as a performer. It must be nice to have fan girls screaming out their desire to marry you and have your babies! But at the end of the day, when the concert is over, when the lights are turned down, when the audience has dissipated and when you return to the posh but empty hotel suite, how cavernous a hollow emptiness must fill your heart! At the end of the day, you are lonely, all by yourself.

Being a celebrity brings with it many joys and sorrows. Negativity aside, being a celebrity means that one can indulge in activities that the common person could hardly ever imagine doing-  acting in a Hollywood movie, directing a blockbuster, meeting esteemed musical and theatrical talents from all around the world, travelling to different places on this earth, wining and dining at the poshest restaurants… More importantly, with celebrity comes power and influence. I am glad that Lee Hom has chosen to use his influence so positively. Through the years, he has encouraged people through his music to change the “man in the mirror.” Using his music, he reminds us of the importance of looking after mother earth. He sings of the ridiculousness of war and fighting, and encourages all peoples of the earth to treat each other as “自己人.” He is proud of his Chinese heritage, and attempts to 讓華人音樂發揚光大。 Lee Hom also sets an example to his fans by loving and caring for the poor hungry little African children. How much more amazing it would be if he could use his esteemed celebrity status to proclaim the salvation promised by Christ!

Being a celebrity must be one of the hardest jobs in the world. Rain or shine, healthy or sick, you are basically on call 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. I applaud people like Lee Hom who have chosen to endure what would have definitely counted as suffering to me. And because he has done so, I am blessed with music that I love, music that I can turn on at the end of a difficult and stressful day at work to try and lift my spirits. For that, I am thankful.