好羨慕人家的愛情

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Wishing for a better 2013

Moving swiftly and surreptitiously, the year 2012 has slipped by in the wink of an eye.

2012 has been a year of loneliness for me.

So many of my friends have moved on, in their locations, their relationships, their careers. People have moved away to the US, to Australia, to another city in the UK. Friends have gotten into relationships, many are engaged, some married, and a few have had children. Colleagues have passed exams, published work in journals, presented at conferences. As for me, I seem to be stuck in a rut. I am desperate to move forward too, but the sense of being left behind is stronger than it has ever been.

I feel like I have hardly achieved anything in the past year. All I seem to have done is revision, revision, revision. I have sat a couple of exams, failed one, and am forced to retake that exam again in this coming year. Reluctantly, my notes and textbooks have become my best friends, as I only ever seem to spend “quality” time getting to know them.

Last year, I have hardly had much of a social life outside of work and study. I come back to my empty flat everyday after work, eat dinner alone, watch videos on youtube in my own company, then head off to bed alone. I often go shopping by myself and am no stranger to dining out, going to the park, or visiting the cinema without company. Last year, I sung myself my birthday song and celebrated getting older by eating an ice-cream at home, alone. I made my own Christmas dinner and ate it, alone. I have no close friends left in this city, and I have nobody to hang out with even when I am desperate for company. I often wonder how long it will take for anyone to even notice my absence if I were to collapse or die at home. I try and seek solace from facebook, browsing through photos of the friends I really care about, only to be reminded that they have all moved on in life, and I am left behind.

“Go out and make new friends then!” I wish the problem was so easily solved. I work antisocial hours. I have important exams to revise for. I detest superficial polite conversations. I struggle to form meaningful friendships with older people with whom I have nothing in common. People my age are all busy getting loved up in their relationships. Younger people shy away from me because they think I am too old. And to be frank, I am boring and people are not interested in me.

At 27, I think I may be experiencing something of a quarter life crisis.

Despite all my struggles, I do believe that I am going through this for a reason. Perhaps it is so that I can be much more empathetic and sensitive to people struggling with the same kind of loneliness in their lives. Perhaps God wants me to experience a tiny fragment of the intense loneliness that Jesus has saved me from so that I am reminded to be thankful. Perhaps this is the storm that will eventually reveal a calm, cleansed serenity when its dark clouds finally part.

I honestly hope that my loneliness has reached its nadir in 2012, and that the only direction life can take on now is onward and upward! I pray that 2013 will be a year of change- for good, for better, for friendships and fun, for hobbies and happy days at work, for a man and maybe even marriage.

But most importantly, let me love God more than I can ever imagine. Let me love Him, because He first loved me.

My heart is so jetlagged

Jet lag (Simple plan feat. Natasha Bedingfield)

What time is it where you are?
I miss you more than anything
Back at home you feel so far
Waitin’ for the phone to ring
It’s gettin’ lonely livin’ upside down
I don’t even wanna be in this town
Tryin’ to figure out the time zones makin’ me crazy

You say good morning
When it’s midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it’s driving me mad
I miss you so bad
And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

What time is it where you are?
Five more days and I’ll be home
I keep your picture in my car
I hate the thought of you alone
I’ve been keepin’ busy all the time
Just to try to keep you off my mind
Tryin’ to figure out the time zones makin’ me crazy

You say good morning
When it’s midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it’s drivin’ me mad
I miss you so bad
And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Is so jet lagged

I miss you so bad [x5]
I wanna share your horizon
I miss you so bad
And see the same sunrising
I miss you so bad
Turn the hour hand back to when you were holding me.

You say good morning
When it’s midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it’s drivin’ me mad
I miss when you say good morning
But it’s midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it’s drivin’ me mad
I miss you so bad
And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Is so jetlagged
Is so jetlagged

What a song.
All my deepest emotions sung out in a few simple words.
Have you ever said goodbye, walked away, or left behind all that you hold dear?
Have you ever had your eyes well up in tears and your heart wring in anguish at the thought of imminent departure?
Have you ever felt the heartache and the grieving that accompanies farewells?
I have.
And it seems that no matter how many times you do it, the pain never gets any more tolerable.
Just as the land and seas setting you apart never gets any smaller, saying goodbye never gets any easier.
After so many years, my heart is still jet-lagged.

Just trust Him

My heart is filled with longing tonight.

I feel love-sick. Except that this love-sickness isn’t directed at anyone in particular. In fact, there isn’t even a single person in my life that I vaguely admire and can feel love-sick for at the moment. I don’t know how, or why, but I am just missing someone, somewhere; wishing for someone, somewhere.

My heart is thirsty; for an attachment, a spiritual connection, a commitment. My head is sorely wanting; for a shoulder to lean on, a chest to cry into, an arm to rest onto. My hands are fervently desiring; for someone to hold it, kiss it, and guide me to dance with it. My chest is aching; full of thirst, wanting, desire.

Perhaps I am love-sick for love.

On nights like this, it is really hard to trust that the Lord knows best and is in complete control over my life. When I browse through facebook and learn that yet another friend is engaged, or pregnant, or celebrating a wedding anniversary, or preparing for a child’s birthday, it is so hard not to feel particularly lonely and wanting. Especially when I know that I am no where near a relationship, a marriage or a pregnancy like them. Especially when I am living alone, here in a little town where none of my friends are, and working in an place where colleagues can be quite hostile. Especially when life is currently a boring cycle of work-study-sleep. Especially when there is an important exam looming ahead and there is hardly anything to look forward to in the foreseeable future.

I know people often say  that “the grass is always greener on the other side”– single people always crave to be in a relationship, whilst some married couples wish they had stayed single for longer. A relationship may seem satisfying in many ways, but I must remember that being one half of a couple brings with it its own woes too. I know full well that I should embrace my singlehood and all the freedom that it affords me; but just for tonight, let me wallow in my own self-pity.

God provides for His people. He knows the desires of our hearts and wants to bless us with His goodness and grace. God knows what I am thinking and how I am feeling, and He already knows what He is going to do about it. But I don’t. And so, like a spoilt little child, I am crying out to my father “I want that. I want that NOW! I want you to give me what I want. *sob *wail * sniff.” I am throwing a tantrum and making a scene. I am like a brat accusing my “selfish” father of depriving me of my liberty to own the beautiful barbie doll that I want oh-so-terribly. And my father? He is anything but the miserly dad I have accused Him to be. He is generous and loving and kind. He has refused to give me what I want now, because He has prepared a wonderful doll-house filled with gorgeous barbie dolls (including the one I want) and stunning barbie dresses that He plans to present to me on another special occasion. God has it all planned out and He knows what He is doing. He wants to give me the best things at the best times.

I should trust that.

What a hard thing to do.

Lord, please help me to be patient.

Losing a friend

2 days ago, I received in my mailbox an invitation to a “wedding” that I wish will never happen. My heart sank, and I was filled with sadness.

I know it sounds bad that I should be wishing against the coming together of 2 people who are “in love,” but I know that I have every right to do so in the name of the Lord Jesus. When a relationship is drenched in such murky waters of sin, when such coming together desecrates the sanctity of the institution that is marriage, and when a “wedding” publicly and defiantly sticks a finger up at God and His laws, I have to reject it.

I know that people will hasten to condemn the way I sound so self righteous about being judgmental. After all, we are entitled to a freedom to do whatever we want, right? Whatever they do is good, as long as it is right for them, right?

Wrong.

How can one claim to be truly free in life, when our pursuit of freedom in one area leads to an enslavement in another area in life? When we seek to be completely free to spend all our money on everything that we want, we cause ourselves to become slaves of the dollar bill and of debt. When we seek complete freedom to be intoxicated with alcohol, we become slaves to liver disease, slaves to broken relationships, slaves to a life that is but a constant blur before our eyes. In the same way, when we seek to be completely free to enjoy sexual immorality, then we become slaves to our selfish bodily desires, slaves to STDs, slaves to an imperfect sexual life that was never part of God’s plan for humankind.

When we insist on having our own total freedom to do whatever we want, however we want, whenever we want, we cannot help but impinge on other people’s freedom either. While one may feel free to steal a car, he is encroaching on someone else’s freedom to have their car safe of filthy thieving fellows. While one may feel free to indulge in bullying, he is depriving someone else of a freedom to feel safe and unthreatened. That’s why laws exist, isn’t it? Laws draw boundaries to our freedom in order to protect the freedom of other people, and that is why God lays laws down for His people too. God did not enforce a long list of commandments for the sake of depriving us of our freedom, He enforced them for the very purpose of preserving our freedom! We live in a world where our lives are all intertwined with that of the people around us. Our actions impact not only ourselves but also the lives of other people. How can anything be good as long as it is right for you, even if it is not ok for other people? How can such freedom be good?

Anyway, I digress.

I wanted to talk about friendship and its frailty. One half of this couple who is getting married used to be a really good friend of mine. We used to spend a lot of time together and he was like a brother to me. We lived together, studied together, played together, and served and loved the Lord together. For years, I thought we had a solid foundation to our friendship and that our close ties will last a lifetime.

But how time and distance has made a mockery of our relationship. 6 months was all it took for us to grow apart. 6 months was all it took to practically erase all the goodness that had been borne out of an 8 year long friendship. 6 months, the devil, and a man.

I was looking at a couple of old photos today and I have to say that I really do miss this friend whom I used to consider a brother. I look at his picture from then and compare it to the person he is now, and realise that he is no longer the same person I used to love. He has gone down a path that I would never have chosen for him, and has estranged himself from the precious friendship that we both used to treasure. He has become a stranger, again.

How feeble human friendships can be! It just reminds me of how broken and fallen our world is, that we are unable to even preserve relationships that we deem important to us. We fail one another, and then move on selfishly as if nothing ever mattered. What terrible friends we humankind make.

God, please teach us how friendship really works.

Single, Christian, Man

When I was younger, I used to fantasise about the kind of man I would love to get married to. I had a whole list of requirements for eligibility. Smart, funny, romantic, Christian, tall, muscular, chiselled face… the list goes on.

But what do I desire in my future partner these days? Only 3 simple prerequisites: Single, Christian, Man.

Oh how greatly the list has been simplified! Yet, it still seems so ridiculously hard to find someone who meets all 3 requirements. The single men all seem to be non-Christians. The Christian men are all in relationships or married. The single Christians I know of are mostly women. Where are all the single, Christian men?

I’ve been feeling a little needy recently. As the friends around me all seem to be starting relationships or getting married and having children, I am beginning to feel left out and lonely.

How nice it would be to have someone come and pick me up/ walk me home after a long day on call. How nice it would be to come home from work to a lovely man who has just made my dinner. How nice it would be to have a companion during mealtimes or to go out to the movies with. How nice it would be to have someone fuss over me when I am feeling under the weather. How nice it would be to have a comforting shoulder to cry on. How nice it would be to have a man I love in my life.

God made mankind to be relational creatures, reflecting the way the holy trinity are in a perfect relationship with one another. As a human, I have been hard-wired to desire intimacy and relationship. Nevertheless, I need to be reminded daily that I should be desiring a relationship with God, not man. God alone is good enough for me. God’s love truly satisfies. God’s love will never hurt me, it will never let me down.

I am acutely aware that feeling in need of affection puts me in a relatively dangerous place when it comes to temptation. What if a gorgeous, romantic and considerate non-Christian man comes along? I know how I should choose, yet I am not confident that I can bring myself to make the correct choice. It would be so immensely difficult to say no. So dear Lord, I pray “lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” (Matthew 6:13)

God is good enough for me.

偷偷的把心中的思念藏好

今晚,特別的想家。

想念爸爸媽媽還有我的哥哥。

想念我們住的那老舊的四房式組屋。

想念我中學和高中的朋友。

想念我們的嘻嘻哈哈,打打鬧鬧,無話不說。

想念教會里青年團契的兄弟姊妹。

想念我們在一起查經,禱告,唱詩 ,團契。

想念新加坡的美食。

想念新加坡的方便。

想念新加坡的點點滴滴。

我一直都認為新加坡的土地太渺小, 社會太拘束。認為新加坡人過於被動而太沒有想法。認為他們因為養尊處優而變得傲慢並自以為了不起。我認為一直呆在家就會變成个不識人間煙火的井底之蛙。所以,一定要到外走走,見見市面,開礦視野,充實人生。

但在這寂寞的夜晚,獨自一個人在英國的這一个小角落,我想家了。

在外頭自己一個人闖蕩的我,累了。

沒有家人在身旁與我歡喜,陪我擔憂,為我加油打氣, 讓我真的倦了。

遊子的心,誰人能解?

美麗的回憶,也就成了我今晚在精神上的扶木。

偷偷的,我不小心把自己最寶貝的回憶都掏了出來- 為這顆充滿思念的心果腹。

Victor King, I know of someone like you

There is a Korean American guy who exists in Youtube-land called Victor Kim. He breakdances, sings, paints, designs, plays the ukelele, strums the guitar and tickles the ivories on a piano. I came across his most recent video that I found absolutely stunning- a cover of Adele’s “Someone like you”. Now, I’m not normally a fan of covers but this one totally blew me away. I never really liked the song when I heard Adele’s version, but I completely changed my mind after 4 1/2 minutes of Victor’s magic. This is definitely Victor’s best performance yet.

** Are those camera skills awesome or what?

Victor and his music have touched something raw in my heart somehow. I used to (secretly) love a man who was multi-talented like him, who was popular with all the girls like him, who used to serenade me with a voice so tender and alluring like him. A man I dared to love, but lacked the courage to profess it. And the lyrics of this song! Oh the lyrics! The very words that I want to say out loud, yet will never be able to vocalise. Words that I have now carefully hidden at the bottom of my heart. Words that I will sing softly when I am desperately missing him…

I heard that you’re settled down
That you found a girl and you’re married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,”
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”