难以启齿的心乱如麻

力宏:

你好狠啊!

在我还未来得及跟你相识、相爱、相惜以前,你就不加思索地把我从小到大对你的单恋给狠狠地活埋了。 你抢走了我年少狂妄的胡思乱想。你让我乱箭攒心、泪流成河;也给了我数以万计的不知所措。

在这伤感与惆怅的涡旋里沉浮着的我真的觉得自己好像快要窒息了。

在你结了婚以后,我就下定决心要让自己对你那疯狂的爱慕化为简单的仰慕。我要阻止自己对一个有了婚事的男人拥有任何不当的幻想。 为了朝向这个目标前进,我可是破釜沉舟地费尽了多大的心思啊!对于你的一切,我都得格外地小心翼翼!避开你的消息、不听你的音乐、拒看你的视品,也就成了避免我睹物思人的不二法则。

努力疗伤了三个月后,我以为我终于能从“失恋”的阴霾中走出来了。我自信满满地认为你已经成了我的“过去式”。 我以为我终于可以开始祝福了。直到今天。。。我看了你所主演的一部电影,也听见了你唱的一首新歌。。。毫无预警的,我又无可自拔地深陷进去了。我对你所有的爱慕波涛汹涌地把我再度征服了。我喜欢你的心情竟依然并没有一丝丝的减少。 看见你帅气的脸孔,听见你那迷惑我十多年的歌声,我不禁又对你心动了。心动与心痛,就这样在我心里同时住了下来。

你是魔术师吗?是巫师吗?是精灵吗?为什么我就是没有办法把你从我心里丢掉?

我承受不了了。就今天- 我就纵容自己一天,让自己再度地深深爱你一天。

明天。明天再来绞尽脑汁想个办法处理掉这一份藕断丝连。

力宏,我情不自禁地想要跟你说:“我依然爱你。”

我依然爱你 或许是 命中注定
多年之后 任何人都无法代替
那些时光 是我这一辈子最美好的
那些回忆 依然无法忘记

我依然爱你 就是唯一的退路
我依然珍惜 时时刻刻的幸福
你每个呼吸 每个动作 每个表情
到最后 一定会 依然爱你

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悼念我刻骨铭心的单恋

这是一篇迟来的文章。

我没有办法在夜深人静的时候独自一个人面对这一番痛,所以选择在特内里费岛机场等待着回家的班机时写下这篇日记。在川流不息的人潮中, 我应该会在这些陌生人身上找到一丝丝的勇气吧!因为有他们的眼神,有他们的关注,我想我总不至于会在大众面前嚎啕大哭吧?!但他们不晓得的是,我即将赤裸裸地把心掏出,再把它身上的疤全部重新打开。我要让这伤口好好的流血,让它刺骨地痛一番,再用我心中的泪水将它彻底的清理干净。唯有如此,这总是隐隐作痛的伤口才有可能完全愈合。

好不容易的,我终于要诚实的地面对已经发生的事实,以及我心中深感的遗憾。

我失恋了。

这十年以来,我一直都深爱着一个男生。我被他的英俊潇洒给吸引了,为他的才华洋溢着迷了。我喜欢上他踏遍世界各地的双足, 仰慕着他的成熟稳重、内涵与气质。他,近乎是个完美的男人。

我喜欢听他唱歌,颂出他心中所渴望的浪漫爱情。我爱看他性感的手腕及修长的手指头在钢琴键上舞蹈着。我迷上他拉小提琴时脸上所流露出的专注与惆怅。我恋上他的灿烂笑容,恋上他被音符与旋律牵引着的手舞足蹈。他是多么地耀眼迷人- 是个属于舞台上的奇人。

我爱上的也是个多愁善感的新好男人。他孝顺爱家,有情有义。他心地善良,并对这世界与社会抱有着无比的责任感。他对自己的工作认真且执着,为了自己的梦想做出了极大的牺牲与奉献。

但看着他过着孤独寂寞的艺术家生涯,居无定所地每天化身为空中飞人,我是多么的疼惜啊!

既然如此,那为什么我却对他突如其来的婚讯感到如此的感伤呢?毫无预警的,晴天霹雳的,我对他所有所有的幻想全都在一瞬间破灭了,全都化成了灰。

现实生活中的我怎么也找不到自己命中注定的爱情。于是,我已不知不觉的把心中的渴望跟情感完完全全的投射在这个完美人身上。不料,现在我竟然连这份虚拟的爱情也没有办法掌握住。像沙子从指缝间流逝一般,我越是想要牢牢抓住,这份莫名其妙的爱意就消失得越快。真没想到,我竟如此荒谬地从一场从未开始过的恋爱中失恋了。奇怪的是,像这样失去从来都不曾拥有的爱情怎么还是会让人如此的悲哀?我的头好晕,心情好沉重,打从骨子里头觉得好难过。现在,到底该怎么办?

他选择的女生小我一岁,是个日-台混血儿。脸蛋特别清秀,身材高挑且亮丽。她在美国的哥伦比亚大学念研究所,所以脑袋也应该不错。他与她是多么的登对,是天作之合。我是应该要祝福他们的。但是,每当我想到他们拉着彼此的小手,或是他们无名指上套着的定情婚戒,我心中最丑陋的嫉妒鬼就是不听使唤的非要出来大闹一番。

再给我多一点时间吧。

时间或许会慢慢地冲淡这份伤感。

时间或许会让我学会祝福。

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28

I turned 28 on the 29th of November this year. It was a simple, somewhat lonely affair, much like last year’s birthday “celebrations” (or lack of).

I was on my last night shift of 4 on the 28th leading up to the morning of the 29th, covering the intensive care unit. Whilst I kept quiet about my birthday when working on call at the Royal last year, I decided this year that I wanted to let people know. And so, I went around informing the nursing staff (and patients who were not sedated and ventilated) that “it’s my birthday!” I had wanted to treat the nurses to some food- pizza or something, but we ended up ordering Chinese takeaway and they all very kindly decided that they would chip in. When it got to midnight and the food had arrived, we pulled up some chairs and huddled around the nurses station, locked the doors to the ICU (and got the HDU nurses to watch out for matron coming round doing any spot checks), and we ate food. They also sang me a nice birthday song!

It was so nice to have this mini impromptu party in the unit. I knew that that would probably be the closest I get to having any kind of celebration this year. After all, much as I really do not want to admit it, I do not really have any friends who remember or care enough to meet me for a meal or sing a happy birthday song to me. In fact, the people I really wanted to receive wishes from have all failed me this year- HS, P-mo, Lydia. These are the last few true friends I have left in this city. If even they forget then what hope do I have of celebrating this day with the people I love? Heck, even my dad had forgotten- I had to ring him up to ask why he had not even so much as sent a text to me.

I think it is sad that I have gotten into such a state where I do not have any real friends anymore… the loud, humorous, extrovert with friends aplenty is now reduced to this- lonely and forgotten, seeking comfort from careless well-wishes politely offered by people I hardly know. I understand full well that adult friendships are particularly hard to maintain; afterall, I have lost many friends to time and distance. And so, I do try my very hardest to maintain my friendships, sending occasional texts, emails, cards and letters to the people I want to keep hold of in my life. I want people to know that I still think of them and that they are still important to me. Unfortunately, the reverse does not seem to be true. My friends have all moved on in their lives. They are so busy with their new friendships, their new husbands, new wives, new babies, new houses and new jobs. They are too busy for me.

I honestly do not think that I am a bad friend… I am open and honest, and I try and be there whenever people need me. So many people have come to me pouring out their woes about being single, about desiring non Christian men, about their struggles at work or with exams. When they come to me, I share my struggles with them. I open up my heart and show them the raw, bleeding truth of my emotions and thoughts. I relate to them, and try my best to encourage my friends in The Lord. Nevertheless, it often feels that the significance of my presence in this world is feathery light, as I am as swiftly forgotten as genies vanish in a puff of smoke. When my friends’ problems pass or when their wishes get granted, I am almost always shown to the exit doors of their lives. I honestly do not begrudge them. I fully understand that life has taken us in different directions and we are journeying with different itineraries. Yet, a tiny part of me inside just cannot help but feel so sad, so disappointed, so forgotten and lonely…

Anyway, back to the birthday story. God was remarkably good to me that night. The patients on ICU were all incredibly stable, and there were no trauma calls or ward calls all night. In fact, the bleep did not even go off once! I managed to get some shut eye that night, and was pleasantly awoken by a phone call from the W family- I heard the sound of happy children singing, and that immediately put a smile on my face. After I got home from work, I had a couple of hours sleep before heading down to the apple store in town- I was determined to get myself an iPad air, and was pleasantly surprised that I had bagged a Black Friday discount on my new gadget. I tried to ask for an extra birthday discount, but that was not so successful. I think I ended up paying about £508 for my iPad. After that, I headed home for dinner and cake. I had a nice Chinese takeaway dinner by myself that night, I drank a glass of celebratory scholer, then lit up some candles on a Victoria sponge cake from M&S. I sang my own birthday song, made a couple of wishes, and opened my birthday presents. This year, I received a card from KS, a large box of twinnings specialty teas from Joyce and SP, and the iPad air I bought myself. Although the gifts presented to me are few and small, I am ever so thankful to God for them.

Unfortunately, I think this blog post has unexpectedly morphed into a depressing cry for help and attention. I am not seeking any sympathy, just a channel to get some things off my chest. After all, nobody’s really interested in hearing my woes so I have no choice but to pour it out here. I know that God is fully aware of how I am slowly drowning in my own loneliness, and I pray that he will quickly offer a hand to pull me out of this engulfing quicksand. In the meantime, dear Lord, help me continue to trust that you will offer me rescue someday. Someday.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

I’ve just watched a video clip of the Ouyoung family tearfully saying their goodbyes to each other as their young daughter Nana prepares to leave Taiwan for the United States. She will be pursuing her studies at the Curtis Institute of Music for the next decade, with hopes of becoming a professional cellist in the future.

As I watched them, suddenly- as if someone had flicked on a light switch, my heart became heavy laden with sorrow. A mysterious fluid also began to blur my vision as it struggled to remain contained within the orbits of my eyes.

The anguish of farewell from 10 years ago that I’d buried into the deepest depths of my heart was instantaneously resurrected and it surged through my very being. I remember the tears, I remember the heartache, I remember the pain of being torn away from the people I love most and the things that I held dearest. I remember the nauseating homesickness I felt in the days before I even left. I remember the regret of not being able to grow up & grow old with my brother and parents. I remember the mind-numbing loneliness of going away to a strange place where I knew no one and owned nothing. I remember the wailing, the whimpering, and the salty taste of tears in my mouth.

I completely understand the Ouyang family’s grief. I know that feeling far too well. So many years on, I still feel the same agony every time I wave my loved ones goodbye. Compared to the complete breakdown I used to suffer at the airport, my emotions now are more controlled as I quietly shed a tear or two as I turn away from my family. Nevertheless, the pain is no less than it was a decade ago– with all these cruel years of practice, I have simply become much better at hiding the symptoms of my weeping heart.

10 years! I cannot believe it has been 10 years since I left my old life behind. I left my childhood, my dependency, my comfortable place. I left all that I had but 30 kilograms of luggage and a big dream. I left home as an impressionable teenager, but hopefully someday soon, I can return home a confident woman with fulfilled dreams and a faith stronger than ever. I want my family to be proud, and for us all to know that the years of tears and heartache have all been worth it.

Wishing for a better 2013

Moving swiftly and surreptitiously, the year 2012 has slipped by in the wink of an eye.

2012 has been a year of loneliness for me.

So many of my friends have moved on, in their locations, their relationships, their careers. People have moved away to the US, to Australia, to another city in the UK. Friends have gotten into relationships, many are engaged, some married, and a few have had children. Colleagues have passed exams, published work in journals, presented at conferences. As for me, I seem to be stuck in a rut. I am desperate to move forward too, but the sense of being left behind is stronger than it has ever been.

I feel like I have hardly achieved anything in the past year. All I seem to have done is revision, revision, revision. I have sat a couple of exams, failed one, and am forced to retake that exam again in this coming year. Reluctantly, my notes and textbooks have become my best friends, as I only ever seem to spend “quality” time getting to know them.

Last year, I have hardly had much of a social life outside of work and study. I come back to my empty flat everyday after work, eat dinner alone, watch videos on youtube in my own company, then head off to bed alone. I often go shopping by myself and am no stranger to dining out, going to the park, or visiting the cinema without company. Last year, I sung myself my birthday song and celebrated getting older by eating an ice-cream at home, alone. I made my own Christmas dinner and ate it, alone. I have no close friends left in this city, and I have nobody to hang out with even when I am desperate for company. I often wonder how long it will take for anyone to even notice my absence if I were to collapse or die at home. I try and seek solace from facebook, browsing through photos of the friends I really care about, only to be reminded that they have all moved on in life, and I am left behind.

“Go out and make new friends then!” I wish the problem was so easily solved. I work antisocial hours. I have important exams to revise for. I detest superficial polite conversations. I struggle to form meaningful friendships with older people with whom I have nothing in common. People my age are all busy getting loved up in their relationships. Younger people shy away from me because they think I am too old. And to be frank, I am boring and people are not interested in me.

At 27, I think I may be experiencing something of a quarter life crisis.

Despite all my struggles, I do believe that I am going through this for a reason. Perhaps it is so that I can be much more empathetic and sensitive to people struggling with the same kind of loneliness in their lives. Perhaps God wants me to experience a tiny fragment of the intense loneliness that Jesus has saved me from so that I am reminded to be thankful. Perhaps this is the storm that will eventually reveal a calm, cleansed serenity when its dark clouds finally part.

I honestly hope that my loneliness has reached its nadir in 2012, and that the only direction life can take on now is onward and upward! I pray that 2013 will be a year of change- for good, for better, for friendships and fun, for hobbies and happy days at work, for a man and maybe even marriage.

But most importantly, let me love God more than I can ever imagine. Let me love Him, because He first loved me.

My heart is so jetlagged

Jet lag (Simple plan feat. Natasha Bedingfield)

What time is it where you are?
I miss you more than anything
Back at home you feel so far
Waitin’ for the phone to ring
It’s gettin’ lonely livin’ upside down
I don’t even wanna be in this town
Tryin’ to figure out the time zones makin’ me crazy

You say good morning
When it’s midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it’s driving me mad
I miss you so bad
And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

What time is it where you are?
Five more days and I’ll be home
I keep your picture in my car
I hate the thought of you alone
I’ve been keepin’ busy all the time
Just to try to keep you off my mind
Tryin’ to figure out the time zones makin’ me crazy

You say good morning
When it’s midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it’s drivin’ me mad
I miss you so bad
And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Is so jet lagged

I miss you so bad [x5]
I wanna share your horizon
I miss you so bad
And see the same sunrising
I miss you so bad
Turn the hour hand back to when you were holding me.

You say good morning
When it’s midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it’s drivin’ me mad
I miss when you say good morning
But it’s midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it’s drivin’ me mad
I miss you so bad
And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Is so jetlagged
Is so jetlagged

What a song.
All my deepest emotions sung out in a few simple words.
Have you ever said goodbye, walked away, or left behind all that you hold dear?
Have you ever had your eyes well up in tears and your heart wring in anguish at the thought of imminent departure?
Have you ever felt the heartache and the grieving that accompanies farewells?
I have.
And it seems that no matter how many times you do it, the pain never gets any more tolerable.
Just as the land and seas setting you apart never gets any smaller, saying goodbye never gets any easier.
After so many years, my heart is still jet-lagged.

Just trust Him

My heart is filled with longing tonight.

I feel love-sick. Except that this love-sickness isn’t directed at anyone in particular. In fact, there isn’t even a single person in my life that I vaguely admire and can feel love-sick for at the moment. I don’t know how, or why, but I am just missing someone, somewhere; wishing for someone, somewhere.

My heart is thirsty; for an attachment, a spiritual connection, a commitment. My head is sorely wanting; for a shoulder to lean on, a chest to cry into, an arm to rest onto. My hands are fervently desiring; for someone to hold it, kiss it, and guide me to dance with it. My chest is aching; full of thirst, wanting, desire.

Perhaps I am love-sick for love.

On nights like this, it is really hard to trust that the Lord knows best and is in complete control over my life. When I browse through facebook and learn that yet another friend is engaged, or pregnant, or celebrating a wedding anniversary, or preparing for a child’s birthday, it is so hard not to feel particularly lonely and wanting. Especially when I know that I am no where near a relationship, a marriage or a pregnancy like them. Especially when I am living alone, here in a little town where none of my friends are, and working in an place where colleagues can be quite hostile. Especially when life is currently a boring cycle of work-study-sleep. Especially when there is an important exam looming ahead and there is hardly anything to look forward to in the foreseeable future.

I know people often say  that “the grass is always greener on the other side”– single people always crave to be in a relationship, whilst some married couples wish they had stayed single for longer. A relationship may seem satisfying in many ways, but I must remember that being one half of a couple brings with it its own woes too. I know full well that I should embrace my singlehood and all the freedom that it affords me; but just for tonight, let me wallow in my own self-pity.

God provides for His people. He knows the desires of our hearts and wants to bless us with His goodness and grace. God knows what I am thinking and how I am feeling, and He already knows what He is going to do about it. But I don’t. And so, like a spoilt little child, I am crying out to my father “I want that. I want that NOW! I want you to give me what I want. *sob *wail * sniff.” I am throwing a tantrum and making a scene. I am like a brat accusing my “selfish” father of depriving me of my liberty to own the beautiful barbie doll that I want oh-so-terribly. And my father? He is anything but the miserly dad I have accused Him to be. He is generous and loving and kind. He has refused to give me what I want now, because He has prepared a wonderful doll-house filled with gorgeous barbie dolls (including the one I want) and stunning barbie dresses that He plans to present to me on another special occasion. God has it all planned out and He knows what He is doing. He wants to give me the best things at the best times.

I should trust that.

What a hard thing to do.

Lord, please help me to be patient.

Losing a friend

2 days ago, I received in my mailbox an invitation to a “wedding” that I wish will never happen. My heart sank, and I was filled with sadness.

I know it sounds bad that I should be wishing against the coming together of 2 people who are “in love,” but I know that I have every right to do so in the name of the Lord Jesus. When a relationship is drenched in such murky waters of sin, when such coming together desecrates the sanctity of the institution that is marriage, and when a “wedding” publicly and defiantly sticks a finger up at God and His laws, I have to reject it.

I know that people will hasten to condemn the way I sound so self righteous about being judgmental. After all, we are entitled to a freedom to do whatever we want, right? Whatever they do is good, as long as it is right for them, right?

Wrong.

How can one claim to be truly free in life, when our pursuit of freedom in one area leads to an enslavement in another area in life? When we seek to be completely free to spend all our money on everything that we want, we cause ourselves to become slaves of the dollar bill and of debt. When we seek complete freedom to be intoxicated with alcohol, we become slaves to liver disease, slaves to broken relationships, slaves to a life that is but a constant blur before our eyes. In the same way, when we seek to be completely free to enjoy sexual immorality, then we become slaves to our selfish bodily desires, slaves to STDs, slaves to an imperfect sexual life that was never part of God’s plan for humankind.

When we insist on having our own total freedom to do whatever we want, however we want, whenever we want, we cannot help but impinge on other people’s freedom either. While one may feel free to steal a car, he is encroaching on someone else’s freedom to have their car safe of filthy thieving fellows. While one may feel free to indulge in bullying, he is depriving someone else of a freedom to feel safe and unthreatened. That’s why laws exist, isn’t it? Laws draw boundaries to our freedom in order to protect the freedom of other people, and that is why God lays laws down for His people too. God did not enforce a long list of commandments for the sake of depriving us of our freedom, He enforced them for the very purpose of preserving our freedom! We live in a world where our lives are all intertwined with that of the people around us. Our actions impact not only ourselves but also the lives of other people. How can anything be good as long as it is right for you, even if it is not ok for other people? How can such freedom be good?

Anyway, I digress.

I wanted to talk about friendship and its frailty. One half of this couple who is getting married used to be a really good friend of mine. We used to spend a lot of time together and he was like a brother to me. We lived together, studied together, played together, and served and loved the Lord together. For years, I thought we had a solid foundation to our friendship and that our close ties will last a lifetime.

But how time and distance has made a mockery of our relationship. 6 months was all it took for us to grow apart. 6 months was all it took to practically erase all the goodness that had been borne out of an 8 year long friendship. 6 months, the devil, and a man.

I was looking at a couple of old photos today and I have to say that I really do miss this friend whom I used to consider a brother. I look at his picture from then and compare it to the person he is now, and realise that he is no longer the same person I used to love. He has gone down a path that I would never have chosen for him, and has estranged himself from the precious friendship that we both used to treasure. He has become a stranger, again.

How feeble human friendships can be! It just reminds me of how broken and fallen our world is, that we are unable to even preserve relationships that we deem important to us. We fail one another, and then move on selfishly as if nothing ever mattered. What terrible friends we humankind make.

God, please teach us how friendship really works.

Single, Christian, Man

When I was younger, I used to fantasise about the kind of man I would love to get married to. I had a whole list of requirements for eligibility. Smart, funny, romantic, Christian, tall, muscular, chiselled face… the list goes on.

But what do I desire in my future partner these days? Only 3 simple prerequisites: Single, Christian, Man.

Oh how greatly the list has been simplified! Yet, it still seems so ridiculously hard to find someone who meets all 3 requirements. The single men all seem to be non-Christians. The Christian men are all in relationships or married. The single Christians I know of are mostly women. Where are all the single, Christian men?

I’ve been feeling a little needy recently. As the friends around me all seem to be starting relationships or getting married and having children, I am beginning to feel left out and lonely.

How nice it would be to have someone come and pick me up/ walk me home after a long day on call. How nice it would be to come home from work to a lovely man who has just made my dinner. How nice it would be to have a companion during mealtimes or to go out to the movies with. How nice it would be to have someone fuss over me when I am feeling under the weather. How nice it would be to have a comforting shoulder to cry on. How nice it would be to have a man I love in my life.

God made mankind to be relational creatures, reflecting the way the holy trinity are in a perfect relationship with one another. As a human, I have been hard-wired to desire intimacy and relationship. Nevertheless, I need to be reminded daily that I should be desiring a relationship with God, not man. God alone is good enough for me. God’s love truly satisfies. God’s love will never hurt me, it will never let me down.

I am acutely aware that feeling in need of affection puts me in a relatively dangerous place when it comes to temptation. What if a gorgeous, romantic and considerate non-Christian man comes along? I know how I should choose, yet I am not confident that I can bring myself to make the correct choice. It would be so immensely difficult to say no. So dear Lord, I pray “lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” (Matthew 6:13)

God is good enough for me.