Found these online.
Very cute illustrations of all the things I have ever hoped to do with someone special.
Made me smile. (:
Tonight has been a really difficult night for me.
Randomly, I am awash with a really deep hurting inside.
There is a heaviness weighing down in my heart,
A throbbing ache in my gut,
A desperate sorrow that I cannot even begin to describe.
Somehow, tears of loneliness have found their way out of the sockets of my eyes.
I am terribly missing something that has never been mine.
I am overcome with agonising wanting.
For companionship, for friendship, for relationship.
If ever I knew a lonely girl, I am the one.
My singleness is slowly but surely eating me away.
It is the thorn in my flesh, my cross to bear.
I want to love and be loved.
I want to treasure and be treasured.
I want a hand to hold and another pair of footsteps next to mine as I journey along this road of life.
God never promised to fulfil these earthly desires.
So far, His answers have been no, no and no.
The NO refrain is a hard pill to swallow,
Especially when so many other people have been given the yes, the go ahead, the try again.
Why, oh Lord? What do I make of this suffering of singleness?
What can I learn from this hopeless loneliness?
I do not have an answer.
But I know that your will is mysterious and always good.
I know that well in my head.
Yet tonight, my head refuses to speak to my heart.
Rather, this heart refuses to hear reasons from a level-head.
This bitter heart wallows in sorry self-pity.
This broken heart is screaming out its pain.
This wretched heart drowns out the whispers of your love tonight.
Father God, forgive this irrational, grief-stricken heart.
Comfort it and draw it back to you.
Love is nothing, if love is without you.
Whenever my mum sends me messages like this, my heart feels all warm and fuzzy and I feel a little bashful. I am so thankful for this beautiful and resilient woman who gave birth to me and raised me, and till this day still loves me so unconditionally. On a day like this, my celebrations are now so much more about her and less about me. Thank you mama, I love you to the moon and back.
In these last few years, I have really struggled with conflicting feelings on each birthday. On one hand I feel like “this is SUCH A SPECIAL DAY, I need to cherish every second!” Yet on the other hand, I do not really know how to celebrate anymore. I do not throw parties, or invite friends to dinner, or want to make much of a fuss these days… largely because I don’t really have many close friends left in this city, but also because I am too lazy, and also because I do feel burdened by the weight of every rise in the numbers that indicate my age.
Perhaps on a day of emotional conflict like this, it will be best to spend some time in thoughtful reflection. Here it goes..
Things I am thankful for:
Things I am prayerful for (short-term):
Things I want to fully trust God for (longer-term):
Dear Lord, hear my prayers.
I was invited over to the Tons’ residence for dinner this evening.
It has been a while since I’ve had a dinner invitation of any sort by anyone, so I was very happy to accept their invitation.
We had dinner in their new house, which was beautifully decorated.
N made a really pleasant dinner- roast chicken, mixed salad, egg and couscous, beans… yum.
JH and DW live with them too, so I had the pleasure of enjoying their company for dinner as well.
After our food, we sat out on the steps leading out to their backyard. DW lit a fire in the little ‘cauldron’ outside so as to keep us cosy and warm on this cool summer’s evening. We threw some incense into the fire too, and were quickly enveloped by a magnificent aroma. Soothing music played in the background, and I was thoroughly relaxed.
Under the beautiful full moon, we sat around the crackling fire chatting about anything and everything. From our work, to birthing, musicals, food, dental whitening, superstitions, to Christian attitudes towards gay friends and how to show love to homeless beggars on the streets… we spoke sincerely to each other and laughed a lot.
It was wonderful.
It has been a really long time since I have spent such an amazing time with friends.
Dear Lord, thank you so much.
Just dropped my parents and brother off at the airport.
I absolutely hate goodbyes. Whether I am leaving them or being left behind by them, I always end up turning the waterworks on full blast. I find myself reduced into yet another sobbing mess as I bemoan the distance and time that separates us. I love my fam-bam and really wish I can be closer to them. Sure, there are plenty of trying days when we are together- dealing with my bro’s complete nonchalance about virtually everything, my dad’s apparent acopia borne simply out of laziness & forgetfulness, and mother’s fearsome and capricious temperament. There are days of frustration, days of anger, days of tears… But ultimately, I know that my mood gets swayed so much by these three people simply because I love them and care about them too much. Will I be moved by people that I simply do not give two hoots about? I very much doubt so.
When we are together, I feel stronger. I know someone has my back. I know they will be there as extra pairs of hands (as demonstrated by this morning’s extremely efficient packing and house-cleaning), I know they are there to comfort me in my sadness (trying not to remember last August), to advise me in my searching moments, to multiply the joy that bears out of my proudest moments (a la FRCA graduation). I treasure this family and I am ever thankful to God for them.
The last 12 days with them by my side have been tiring but precious. Tiring because I am an interpreter, a tour guide, a driver, a grocery shopper, a time keeper, a bill payer. I am weary because I find myself constantly worrying if they are still hungry, if they need the loo, if they are warm enough, if they are sufficiently rested, if they are too tired or achy as we travel across and even out of the country. I have had many chances to hold my parents’ hands these last 2 weeks. However, the strength of their grip and the weight of their pull on my arm has made me realise how much they have aged, and their increasing dependence on me- this realization makes me sad, and this has been emotionally exhausting.
Nevertheless, these days have been precious. We have gone away and seen some of the most stunning of God’s creations. We have enjoyed each other’s company and have created a multitude of wonderful memories for us to hold on to.
Perhaps being such a family- orientated person is God’s way of telling me that He will ultimately provide me with my own. Perhaps He will one day bless me with a husband and children. After all, He knows how much strength I draw from family, and will hopefully complete me as a person by eventually placing the correct puzzle piece of a man to fit me wonderfully- complete with all my jaunty angles and jutty- outty bits.
I shall not assume that God’s plans are going to necessarily fit mine. Perhaps He knows that my overt attachment to my worldly loved-ones is actually not healthy for me. Perhaps God has decided that keeping me single will spare me the potentially debilitating ache of fretting over, and ultimately losing loved ones in this world that we are simply passing through. Perhaps this is His way of protecting me.
I lift all up to you Lord.
My mum, my dad, my brother.
And my future significant other.
There is a guy in church JH whom I have been really wanting to get to know for the last year or so. I never had a chance to go up to him and have a quick chat- no, not even a superficial one. Lately, he started attending the afternoon church services (whilst I continued to go to the morning ones) so the chances of seeing him have been reduced dramatically. We have known of each other for the last 10 years, but never actually had a proper conversation. Why am I interested now? you may ask. Well, because he is a rarity. He is a single, Christian, (pretty good-looking) man- one of the last few that I know of who isn’t 10 years my junior.
Today, I got my chance. We were at a thanksgiving lunch for one of the kids from our church. There was an empty seat next to him, so I asked to join him at the table. We got chatting and it was nice. It was really lovely to see a man who loved Jesus so much. His passion for the Lord translated into real action of going out as a missionary in parts of the world hostile to the gospel. He spoke animatedly about his desire to share the good news of Christ with the people around him. It was evident that God has filled his cup, and his cup runs over. I was attracted to him instantly purely for his love of my Lord Jesus.
But I faltered. Throughout our conversation, I do not think I came across eloquent, or confident, or attractive at all. I am completely clueless/ rusty at the whole flirting game. Well strictly speaking, I was not trying to flirt, though I was definitely trying to make more of an impression, and make myself appear more interesting and attractive. I was failing majorly as a woman seeking something more.
I guess I can say that I have “blown my chances” as the attraction certainly does not seem to be mutual.
Oh well. Pressing onward in my singleness. Chin up J.
It is all in God’s hands.
I’ve turned tremendous thirty today.
Feeling thoughtful, thankful and terrific! (And maybe a little timid)
Blessed with the company of my lovely family, seeking new adventures and creating new memories.
God is so good, is so good, is so good to me.
I love you Jesus
Today I came to a (startling) revelation that one of my girlfriends whom I have always considered my “BFF” may not be a BFF after all.
I have known her for 14 years and we have certainly been close friends… but upon careful reflection, she is not my best friend by any measure.
To me, best friends are people who will be there for you all the time. People who have the same general outlook in life as you do. People who will stick with you through thick and thin and provide encouragement along the way. BFFs are people whom you can pour your heart out to, who will listen to you rant and ramble without making any judgment. They are the ones to whom you can speak before you think, or maybe even know what you want to say without so much as a word being exchanged.
KS is none of the above.
I have no doubt that we used to “click” and enjoyed each other’s company. I have no doubt that there was once a time when I could say anything and everything to her. I have no doubt that she was once a true BFF to me. Once upon a time.
I think time and distance has drawn us apart. Perhaps further than I am willing to admit. With her living in the USA for the last 8 years and me in the UK for the last 12, her living with her boyfriend and me remaining forever alone still, her pursuing an academic career and me a clinical one… I think our paths which once were crossed have now straightened out into parallel lines. Perhaps I don’t know who this person is anymore.
I find it so daunting to speak to her these days. Everything that I say needs to be politically correct. Everything I say gets a comeback from her. When I make a comment about my wants and desires, she throws a wet blanket over and never ceases to remind me how the grass is always greener on the other side. When I pass judgment over someone or something, she quickly reminds me that she never judges because “you have to hear the other side of the story.” When I talk about something interesting I’ve seen on facebook, she is swift to tell me to stop living my life through others’ and to “get off facebook and get a hobby” (whilst she herself is a subscriber to every single form of social media known to mankind). When I lament about the tragic state of society in general, she hastens to quip that “you shouldn’t make such sweeping statements.”
Yes, I know that she may well mean well. She may sincerely want me to have a balanced outlook at things. But no, I need this voice of reason when I’m being stupid; not when I’m frustrated and upset. When I’m irritated or sad I need a girlfriend who will just listen and build me up, not someone who will kick me to add an extra bruise to my wounds.
I’m fed up and sad at the same time.
Every time I get beat down I get so angry. I get so mad that I can literally feel the heat build up towards my head. I shake with frustration and then become completely inarticulate (which totally does not help my cause). I get so pissed off with her for making me feel like I am of questionable character.
Or am I really just pissed off with the fact that perhaps we are truly no longer the BFFs that we naively thought will actually last forever?
I really want this friendship to work. Having lost so many precious friendships to time, distance and relationships, I am grasping onto whatever is left. But I guess whatever is left is simply not good enough.
Not good enough.
And it hurts.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:6-7
A catastrophe at work has haunted me for the last month.
Guilt, regret, sadness and fear have become my predominant emotions of late.
Within my head, there are dark clouds looming. A howling wind sweeps across my heart, and a severe chill pierces my soul.
I have been washing my face with tears. I have been crying in the bathroom at work- a lot. Anything and everything seem to be capable of turning the tap on- a word from my consultant, a dirty look from a nurse, a careless remark from a junior, and even an attempt to share prayer requests at cell group.
The flashbacks have been particularly painful. Scenes of that fateful morning run across my mind a couple of times a day, each time ripping my heart apart to make it bleed just a little bit more.
Why did it have to happen to me?
I am awaiting closure, which as yet does not seem imminent.
The helplessness and suffering is real. It is so real that it is crippling.
I have been struggling to get out of bed. Struggling to smile. Struggling to find confidence.
Dear Lord, through all of this, please help me sing the words of the psalmist:
“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4
Be still, my soul. For the Lord is on your side.