Productive first day of the New Year:
- Sorted out my BMJs/ BJAs to throw/ recycle
- Threw out my broken and useless electrical goods
- Sorted out my GD pics for the wall
- Cooked about 6 meals for the coming week
- Folded the laundry
- Gone grocery shopping
- Watched a lot of YouTube
- Practiced brush calligraphy
Hopefully this productiveness will carry on through the rest of the year.
SMILE and BE CONTENT.
I hope that this New Year brings:
- Joy in the workplace. I want to enjoy my work more and feel less stress, fear and frustration
- Improved brush calligraphy skills
- Better eating habits and more exercise, hopefully accompanied by noticeable weight loss
- More travelling
- More friends and deeper friendship
- Love and relationship
- Prayerfulness and complete trusting in the Lord Jesus
Whatever changes 2018 brings, remember that nothing changes how you stand before the Lord your God.
You are saved, sealed and sanctified.
You are a child of God.
You are forever loved.
Tonight has been a really difficult night for me.
Randomly, I am awash with a really deep hurting inside.
There is a heaviness weighing down in my heart,
A throbbing ache in my gut,
A desperate sorrow that I cannot even begin to describe.
Somehow, tears of loneliness have found their way out of the sockets of my eyes.
I am terribly missing something that has never been mine.
I am overcome with agonising wanting.
For companionship, for friendship, for relationship.
If ever I knew a lonely girl, I am the one.
My singleness is slowly but surely eating me away.
It is the thorn in my flesh, my cross to bear.
I want to love and be loved.
I want to treasure and be treasured.
I want a hand to hold and another pair of footsteps next to mine as I journey along this road of life.
God never promised to fulfil these earthly desires.
So far, His answers have been no, no and no.
The NO refrain is a hard pill to swallow,
Especially when so many other people have been given the yes, the go ahead, the try again.
Why, oh Lord? What do I make of this suffering of singleness?
What can I learn from this hopeless loneliness?
I do not have an answer.
But I know that your will is mysterious and always good.
I know that well in my head.
Yet tonight, my head refuses to speak to my heart.
Rather, this heart refuses to hear reasons from a level-head.
This bitter heart wallows in sorry self-pity.
This broken heart is screaming out its pain.
This wretched heart drowns out the whispers of your love tonight.
Father God, forgive this irrational, grief-stricken heart.
Comfort it and draw it back to you.
Love is nothing, if love is without you.
Whenever my mum sends me messages like this, my heart feels all warm and fuzzy and I feel a little bashful. I am so thankful for this beautiful and resilient woman who gave birth to me and raised me, and till this day still loves me so unconditionally. On a day like this, my celebrations are now so much more about her and less about me. Thank you mama, I love you to the moon and back.
In these last few years, I have really struggled with conflicting feelings on each birthday. On one hand I feel like “this is SUCH A SPECIAL DAY, I need to cherish every second!” Yet on the other hand, I do not really know how to celebrate anymore. I do not throw parties, or invite friends to dinner, or want to make much of a fuss these days… largely because I don’t really have many close friends left in this city, but also because I am too lazy, and also because I do feel burdened by the weight of every rise in the numbers that indicate my age.
Perhaps on a day of emotional conflict like this, it will be best to spend some time in thoughtful reflection. Here it goes..
Things I am thankful for:
- I am finally in my final year of specialist training. This time next year, I will have CCT’d and be eligible for a consultant job. At last, after so many years on the conveyor belt of exams, WPBAs, registrar on-calls and ARCPs, the end is in sight. Imagine me, a consultant, a boss!
- I have found a creative outlet/ hobby at last! Since October of this year, I have taken up brush lettering. It is perfect for a person who cannot commit to doing things at fixed times at specific locations like me. I can practice anytime and anywhere. All I need is an ink-filled brush pen and some paper. I am in awe of people who write beautifully. I hope my practice pays off, and I can eventually graduate from brush lettering to modern calligraphy.
- I SAW GD IN CONCERT THIS YEAR! I breathed the same air he breathed. I saw his charming, bashful smile in real life. The excitement of seeing GD made me feel alive again.
Things I am prayerful for (short-term):
- Smooth sailing redecoration of my parents’ house. It is an exciting time- we are renovating! The 20 year old, yellowed and creaky built-in cupboards, desks and shelves will finally be hacked. The tiny holes on the floor will finally be filled and the tiles polished. We are installing an oven in the kitchen. The greyed walls will finally receive a fresh coat of paint! I am so excited to see our old flat look new again. We have been packing and throwing- that was all I did when I went home in October. It is such a challenge to try and throw out the trash we have hoarded for the last 30 years (I found it particularly hard to throw away stuff from my childhood) and to pack everything into boxes. I was exhausted after only 2 weeks of that… I hope my parents cope better as they have to continue this process till the actual renovation begins next February/ March. I pray that mum will not get too stressed out and that the whole process goes a lot smoother than we ever expected.
- What happens next in my career. I have come to yet another point/ cross-road where I have to apply for jobs again. What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? What does God want me to do? Where does God want me to work? I am thinking of a post CCT fellowship, potentially at the tertiary paediatric centre in this city… but I am also thinking about Canada, or Australia, or even Singapore? I also want to go and work on Mercyships for a bit. However, if I leave the UK, does this mean an end to this chapter of my life? Moving on after 14 years is not going to be easy.
- I need some new friends. New good friends. New best friends.
Things I want to fully trust God for (longer-term):
- Health for me and my family. I have started exercising regularly, and have certainly started taking a keen interest in what I put into my body. At present, I STILL haven’t seen much change in my body but I need the Lord to help me persevere. I need to lose weight, and I want to look beautiful for myself. Quite honestly, I would like to have a 6 pack at some point in this life. I hope this point is now.
- A husband and children. When I was about 14 or 15 years old, my mum suggested that it was a good time to start praying for my future husband. I took her advice and have done so for years. Yet, I am 32 and STILL single. Cycles of posts have come and gone on my social media. Friends posted about their new boyfriends and girlfriends. Then people started getting engaged. This was followed by a flux of wedding photographs. Baby pictures then flooded my FB feed. And now people are posting about their 2nd, their 3rd or their 4th child. Other friends have gotten divorced and are re-married. Through all of these… my relationship status has remained unchanged. Single, a little desperate, and seemingly unwanted. I’m not entirely sure why men are not interested. Perhaps it is my fierce independence? Or maybe I am just too boring? Now that I am 32, I’m thinking that I may be too old? Whatever it is, I hope these will be overcome and that the Lord blesses me with a single, Christian man. And if possible, a couple of wonderful children.
- Contentment. People love to ask the question “If you were to have one superpower, what would it be?” I’ve thought long and hard about this… and whilst most people will tend to suggest “invisibility”, “telekinesis” or “time travelling”, I think I would prefer to be blessed with the power of feeling content. I would like to be content and happy in any and every situation that life throws at me.
Dear Lord, hear my prayers.
So, last night was amazing.
I feel like I got drunk on GD last night and am nursing a hangover today. A really good hangover. I cannot stop thinking about him and my heart continues to ache for him.
GD was THE BOMB.
He was so beautiful and charismatic.
He looked so fashionable in everything he adorned.
Every dance move, every flick of his hair, every finger lifted was just oozing with manliness.
His songs were like lyrical whirlpools that sucked me in and drowned me in the sea of his melodious dulcet tones.
He spoke to his audience only very briefly, in English. And though his pronunciation carried a strong Korean twang that was difficult to decipher at times, you cannot help but love him more, simply because he tried.
Admittedly, the sound system wasn’t the most impressive and at times I struggled to figure out if I was hearing him sing live or if it was the back-up track.
Admittedly, it was too crowded in the standing zone with everyone pushing forward and that felt uncomfortable.
Admittedly, my feet were hella sore from 4 hours of being on my feet.
But despite all these, it was all worth it.
GD was perfect.
It was so good to be able to see him up close. For 2 hrs, this man of my dreams was real- standing right in front of me, breathing the same air I breathed.
I melted when I finally saw that gorgeous breath-snatching smile for the first time in real life- the magical smile that has powers to push the corners of my own lips upward.
He was mesmerising. I could not take my eyes off him. I could not even bear to look away for a second- not to watch his backup dancers twirling around beside him, not to even glance at the band members he was introducing, and certainly not to look at my camera’s view finder as I struggled to capture every blessed moment of him standing right before my eyes. My gaze was completely and utterly fixed onto him- my GD.
I am besotted.
However, despite all that perceived perfection, I got a strong feeling that he was sad. I could not see any fire in his eyes. He sang song after song according to the plan… but I found him wanting. Wanting of soul and passion and of joy. At times, it seemed as though he was just going through the motions. Other times, he would cover his eyes with his hand or hat or even bury his head in his arm to avoid eye contact. The melancholy that he always seems to be shrouded in was even more obvious in real life. It felt as if this stunningly successful young man was secretly but seriously hurting on the inside. My heart went out to him when I saw tears welling up in his eyes, and I just wanted to pull him closer into a sweet embrace.
Tonight, GD plays his gig in London. I, on the other hand am leaving Birmingham to go home back up north. I miss him dearly already.
Ji Yong, please stay safe in the army and come back soon after your 2 years of military service. In the meantime, I will work hard on learning Korean and losing weight to become the best version of myself… Hopefully, I will see you again then, and you will see me too.
It is the 23rd of September!
After waiting for months, I am finally here in Birmingham waiting to go and see Ji Yong at his concert.
I have been beside myself with excitement this past week whilst on nights… I could not help but keep talking about going to his concert to my SHO (poor girl, she had to put up with me and my never ending nonsensical rants).
It really has been a while since I have felt this kind of excitement. This kind of looking forward to something. This kind of feeling breathless and queasy with anticipation. Life has been so mundane and routine for so long that this feeling of exhilarating excitement has been a real breath of fresh air. It makes me feel alive again! Truth to be told, I feel as though I am waiting to go on a date- something that I have desired for so long but have never experienced. Now, I can’t wait to see this beautiful man! I really hope that GD’s gig doesn’t let me down tonight. I want him to sing to me, to make me dance, to charm me and to take my breath away.
This made me wonder…
Do I look forward to Jesus the same way? Am I feeling sweaty with palpitations anticipating the arrival of my beautiful bridegroom Jesus? If I claim to love Christ so much then why am I not talking about him animatedly to everyone around me, whether or not they seem interested in hearing about it?
As I am waiting for GD, do not forget that I am ultimately waiting for GOD.
Be strong and courageous
The Lord of the Ages
Holds all His little ones,
Safe by His side
Be strong and courageous
The Lord of the Ages
Holds all His little ones safe
Do not fear the fire,
Do not fear the water,
Do not fear the thunder,
Jesus has conquered them all.
Do not fear the darkness
Do not fear the sadness
Do not fear the sickness
Jesus has conquered them all
Do not fear the enemy
Do not fear the poverty
Do not fear eternity
Jesus has conquered them all
Repeating these words to myself over and over again:
Sore today, strong tomorrow.
Be determined, and weight loss should follow.
Hang in there, even with your brows furrowed.
When glutes are hurting, and quads are crying.
Biceps screaming, triceps sobbing.
When you’re exhausted, with muscles throbbing,
Believe it is possible, even when you’re just so…
Shattered and sore.
Aching right down to the core.
This smile absolutely makes me weak in the knees. I love it when he looks so genuinely happy. Whilst he looks undeniably suave in his sombre-faced pictures, there always seems to be a deeply hidden and unspoken sadness in his eyes… a dispiritedness that makes me feel sorry for him. On the other hand, I love it when he smiles like this, this smile lights up the room, and the tinge of melancholy that seems married to him instantly dissipates. This charming boyishness bowls me over again and again.
Can’t wait to see you at your M.O.T.T.E concert in September!