Hello old friend

In a wink of an eye, we are at the end of March 2019 already! This year is flying by so fast! I have neglected this blog massively, so I thought I should come along today and clear the cobwebs.

Where should I start?

Well, there is the very “minor” issue of looking for a job to put bread on the table come August. After a lot of thought and deliberation (and probably not enough prayer), I have decided that I will apply for a consultant job at AH once the advert comes out. My options really are: 1. Go home and find a fellowship/ specialty doctor post there, 2. Apply for a consultant job at AH, 3. Get another fellowship somewhere else like in Canada or Australia, 4. Go on MercyShips to do volunteer work for a couple of months while I figure my life out. It has been a REAL struggle. Honestly, I do feel that this is the right time to be relocating (esp after all the stress of mum’s illness last year which really jolted me into a greater awareness that my parents are not getting any younger and that I need to be nearer to them).  However, AH is desperately in need of consultants, will be advertising “a few” jobs, people there seem to like me and want me to join their consultant body, and they know what my capabilities and limits are so will probably be better at helping and supporting me through the initial insecurities of being a consultant. As such, I have decided to apply- it will be a plus if I get the job- I will be better placed to go home to hospitals in Sg saying that I have worked as a consultant before. If I don’t get the job, then at least I can live without regrets knowing that I have tried, and that I have had a go/ practice at a consultant interview. My back-up plan then will be either a 2nd fellowship or some volunteer work. It is all very confusing and scary, and I am so tempted to ignore this/ not think about it… nevertheless, it really is time to face my fears (and start filling out the consultant job application form this afternoon!) Life is about to change, and change is scary! BUT, hopefully this change will be oh-so-GOOOOOOOOODDDDD.

Speaking of change… Sang Hee passed her PhD viva (which is great news) but has been threatened by the university that she will need to leave the country within 28 days. Thankfully, she has taken this up to the Home Office and she has leave to remain for the next 4 months (until July). I hope she is successful in getting a job in the near future that will allow her to remain in the UK… otherwise, my best friend will have to return to Korea which is far too far away from me!! Having said that, even I do not know where I will end up in a few months time… I just hope and pray that the Lord doesn’t take her too far away from me. I love her a lot and she has been a pillar of prayer for me through some really difficult times. I love that we are so incredibly honest in our friendship and we can literally talk about anything and everything- from our families, to weight and body image issues, to pee, periods and pregnancy, to our struggles with anger and resentment toward others or to God… we also pray together about these issues- anywhere and everywhere (by the roadside, in a cafe, library or even in her kitchen!) I have never had a friendship as real and meaningful as this. I really pray that the Lord continues to grow our friendship and keeps us close together to do so… maybe she can get a job in Singapore? That will be awesome.

Tangential thinking from the topic of Korea takes me to another topic… the most recent and largest celebrity scandal to rock the K-pop world! Big Bang’s Seungri has retired from the entertainment industry amidst a huge scandal in which he is suspected to be have pimped prostitutes to business investors, and where he had been involved in a Kakaotalk chatroom (involving several other Kpop idols) where illegally filmed sex videos were shared. There are many other accusations involving the nightclub that he owns as well… violence, drug dealing, drugging and raping girls, bribing the police, and the list goes on… I am shocked by the audacity of these Korean celebrities… just because you are rich and famous does not mean you can get away with murder! I hope that the Korean justice system will investigate thoroughly, and that the guilty are prosecuted and punished appropriately. I do feel sad that Big Bang will never be the same again, but to be honest I’d rather they continue on as 4 than to have a disgusting criminal who treats women like dirt and the law like dust ruin their reputation as a group. The most important thing though, is that BB even continues as a 4… I worry about them even being able to “come back” once their military service have been completed… YG entertainment is in hot soup amidst all of these scandals after all (they are being investigated for involvement with Burning Sun nightclub, and other illegal activities such as tax evasion as well). I guess only time will tell…

Speaking of being messed-up… remember my old friend C2? The guy who betrayed our close friendship with lies, and who lived a double life before eventually coming out as gay? The one who married his gay partner and then bashed the church and all his old Christian friends with horrible tweets on twitter and FB? The one who burns his bridges every time  he decides that he has moved on? The one who made me cry so much from the hurt of his betrayal? Well, I have been told that he is in the process of divorcing his partner. His ex is claiming sole custody over their adopted children and demanding a heck of a load of money as alimony. The divorce is messy, and apparently C2 is sad and angry and helpless all at the same time.  I have not personally spoken to him directly about it yet- these are things that mutual friends are telling me. I do not gloat over his situation, but am seriously pondering how I should respond to this. I feel like this is a perfect opportunity to offer out my hand of friendship again, though I have to admit that I am cautious about how deep and true a “renewed” friendship can be given his history of harming and hurting the people who love him. Nevertheless, I have believed from day one when he chose this road of self-destruction that no one can be too far from God’s reach. I remember writing in this blog that I believe God can fix him, even if he should come back shattered into 1000 impossible pieces, completely messed up and seemingly irreparable. With God’s grace, the church can help him piece his life back together. If God can forgive him, so can I. If God can love a prodigal son, who am I to say I can’t? I now need to figure out how to speak to him about this issue, to tell him that I know about it and am praying about it, to let him know that I am here for a coffee and company when he is struggling. I need to figure out how to show him love without seeming to preach at him. I want to love him so much that he comes back to asking about the God who powers this. I cannot wait for the day when he asks to come back to CCL with me. Dear Lord, hear my prayer.

Onward to another completely unrelated topic: tidying. I bought the book “The life changing magic of tidying up” by the famous Japanese tidying consultant Marie Kondo. The book was incredibly easy to read and truly inspired me to tidy up my house and my life! Her advice? Tidy up by category, not location. Pile everything up together so you can see just how much you have, then handle every item and ask yourself whether it “sparks joy.” Keep it if it does, discard it if it does not. Finally, discard first before thinking about storage (and store everything upright so you can see them!). Inspired, I have started to make a dent at the clutter in my house. So far, I have thrown out 5 50L bin bags full of stuff that I will never miss. The folders upon folders of notes and drawings from medical school have also finally been thrown out for recycling. I have had them for 10-15 years, moved them with me from house to house, and never once looked at them again. When I finally confronted them this time, some of the paper clips and staples have already gone rusty! These papers needed to go- so off they went. I still have stuff from the FRCA to face (these will be harder to throw as they are much more relevant), but I will have to sort through them when life gets a little less hectic and my oomph for discarding returns. I am also thinking of taking some good quality but unwanted items to a car boot sale in the summer time- it will be an interesting experience, and I will hopefully be able to earn a few pounds back from these unwanted goods. Nevertheless, I am excited to tidy up KonMari style so that eventually all I have left to surround me in the house are only things that spark joy!

What is a blog without me talking about my weight loss journey? Well, I put myself on a 12 week challenge at the start of the year- to limit myself to a 1200 calorie diet and exercise a lot more in hopes of breaking through my weight-loss plateau. I managed 8 weeks and then gave up. I mean, I  am still keeping up with the 3x/ week body pump (+ 1 or 2 running/ skipping cardio sessions each week), but what I found hardest to do and had to eventually quit is the calorie restriction. The calorie budget was so low that I found myself “blowing it” quite easily, and once I have failed I just give up and go all out to eat whatever the heck I wanted… I ended up excessively overeating more times than when I was on a 1400 calorie diet. I have since put myself back up onto 1400 cals/ day. The other thing I noticed as well, is just how “triggered” I get by sugary foods. Once I have a chocolate or a sweet, I just want to eat eat eat even if I already feel full. This normally happens late at night, when my resolve is weak… I eat a chocolate, and before I know it I have also dug into half a tub of ice cream, an entire pack of crisps, 2 boxes of pocky, 10 malteasers, and a whole strip of haw flakes. Needless to say, once I decided to ditch the 1200 cal diet, I knew that I needed to ditch the sweets as well. No more shopping at the sweets and snacks aisle… not even a packet of chocolate buttons. I have managed 6 months off all sugary foods 2 years ago… now to get myself back on track…

Finally, I met a cute dentist at work yesterday. A 2nd year SHO called Dan who was born and bred in Saudi Arabia- he is born to white English parents though, so he’s kind of a 3rd culture kid. Very handsome and charming with a nice physique, and I thoroughly enjoyed chatting to him. I don’t know if he is a Christian. He is very young though, and probably attached as well (no guy so good-looking is likely to be without a girlfriend).  He is also leaving for specialist training in London come August…. I am not hoping for much- my hopes for love never come true anyway. I just wanted to mention it, because sometimes it just feels so nice to find a nice guy out there.