Tonight has been a really difficult night for me.
Randomly, I am awash with a really deep hurting inside.
There is a heaviness weighing down in my heart,
A throbbing ache in my gut,
A desperate sorrow that I cannot even begin to describe.
Somehow, tears of loneliness have found their way out of the sockets of my eyes.
I am terribly missing something that has never been mine.
I am overcome with agonising wanting.
For companionship, for friendship, for relationship.
If ever I knew a lonely girl, I am the one.
My singleness is slowly but surely eating me away.
It is the thorn in my flesh, my cross to bear.
I want to love and be loved.
I want to treasure and be treasured.
I want a hand to hold and another pair of footsteps next to mine as I journey along this road of life.
God never promised to fulfil these earthly desires.
So far, His answers have been no, no and no.
The NO refrain is a hard pill to swallow,
Especially when so many other people have been given the yes, the go ahead, the try again.
Why, oh Lord? What do I make of this suffering of singleness?
What can I learn from this hopeless loneliness?
I do not have an answer.
But I know that your will is mysterious and always good.
I know that well in my head.
Yet tonight, my head refuses to speak to my heart.
Rather, this heart refuses to hear reasons from a level-head.
This bitter heart wallows in sorry self-pity.
This broken heart is screaming out its pain.
This wretched heart drowns out the whispers of your love tonight.
Father God, forgive this irrational, grief-stricken heart.
Comfort it and draw it back to you.
Love is nothing, if love is without you.