Wherefore art thou, Peace?

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:6-7

A catastrophe at work has haunted me for the last month.

Guilt, regret, sadness and fear have become my predominant emotions of late.

Within my head, there are dark clouds looming. A howling wind sweeps across my heart, and a severe chill pierces my soul.

I have been washing my face with tears. I have been crying in the bathroom at work- a lot. Anything and everything seem to be capable of turning the tap on- a word from my consultant, a dirty look from a nurse, a careless remark from a junior, and even an attempt to share prayer requests at cell group.

The flashbacks have been particularly painful. Scenes of that fateful morning run across my mind a couple of times a day, each time ripping my heart apart to make it bleed just a little bit more.

Why did it have to happen to me?

I am awaiting closure, which as yet does not seem imminent.

The helplessness and suffering is real. It is so real that it is crippling.

I have been struggling to get out of bed. Struggling to smile. Struggling to find confidence.

Dear Lord, through all of this, please help me sing the words of the psalmist:

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

Be still, my soul. For the Lord is on your side.

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