I have spent most of boxing day today enjoying the Korean TV series “You Who Came From the Stars.” It is a great show, and I am now hooked after an online marathon of the last 12 episodes.
However, about 20 minutes ago, I found myself sobbing my eyes out in the middle of the show. It was not so much due to the drama’s plot, but rather because I was suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of overwhelming loneliness and helplessness. Out of the blue, I started feeling intensely sorry for myself.
December has been a particularly rough month for me. While I am thankful for the Christmas break this weekend, my mind continues to replay all the little things that have been taking it in turns to nibble away at the facade of strength I wear everyday:
The work-study-sleep life cycle that ushered in this last month of 2014.
The times at viva practice and at the revision courses when I felt like everyone else just did not like me and wanted to work in a different group from me.
The dirtiest look Liz has ever thrown at me when I could not describe to her the anatomy of the Larynx during one of our practice viva sessions.
Sitting the exam with such confidence that I will pass (because I have worked so so hard), only to scan the list of successful candidates over and over and over again but fail to find my candidate number over and over and over again.
The shame of having to tell everyone that I have FAILED and let them down, especially after all the efforts that some people have gone to help me out.
Being on lists with consultants who repeatedly tell me that what I am doing is wrong. In fact, A Jones went as far as not even letting me touch his patient or the anaesthetic machine when we were on an eye list the other day.
I am a crappy anaesthetist. I was 2nd on-call 2 days ago- I could not do a sciatic nerve block, could not get the damned CVC line into this renal patient (granted, she has had LOTS of IV access issues in the past), did not notice that the patient had been slowly oozing out a fifth of her circulating volume in the last 4 hours…
Went on holiday with JX and had her antagonising me and throw scathing remarks for all my inappropriate jokes, my vulgarness, my inattentiveness, my general stupidity… all whilst willing myself to swallow down my pride and not say or do anything that will ruin a friendship that I actually still do treasure.
Attended the Christmas day church service yesterday morning, only to be surrounded by families with babies and lots of people that I do not know (mind, I have been in this church for 7 years). Even a family that I did know chose to sit a seat away from me to keep their distance, and said very little to me. I ended up being seated by my lonesome self in the corner of the room most of the morning.
Spent Christmas with the W family yesterday, which was lovely, other than the fact that the invitation came so late that inviting me almost seemed like an afterthought. Their oldest little boy, whom I love, also treated me like he did not care that I was there- no requests for me to read him a storybook like he always did… in fact, no interaction at all!
I am lonely and pining for some love and affection.
So yes, for all of the above reasons, I wailed and whimpered for a good 10 minutes. I had thought that my lacrimal glands do not work anymore… especially when I simply could not summon tears when I had wanted to vent my exam-related frustrations earlier in the month. Well, that is definitely not true because the tears came on fast and furious today. My “walls” broke down during that time, and for 10 minutes, I stopped lying to myself that everything is ok. I know that all is not fine. I am miserable, insecure and lonely.
Obviously, the sobbing had to stop when I finally managed to tire myself out. It almost seems ludicrous but I also patted myself on the shoulder for a good 5 minutes in consolation that “everything will be alright,” “things will get better.” I really needed a touch, a hug, a hand to hold, but that was all I could offer myself…
Now that the tears have been wiped off, time to pick yourself up again J.