Me and my ridiculousness

This is ludicrous, but also oh-so-true:

It is now 2245hr. I have just come home from a long day on-call and just finished my takeaway dinner.

I am absolutely exhausted- so exhausted that I really want to lie down on the couch.

But I’ve also banned myself from the couch tonight cause I know that I will fall asleep on it if I dare plant my bottom there.

I know so because I did exactly that last night.

And I should really do some reading tonight!

I also don’t want to go straight to bed as I want to feel like I have achieved more than just work-eat-&-sleep today.

BUT I AM REALLY TIRED AND AM DESPERATE TO REST ON THE COUCH!

I don’t know what to do with myself now and feel like crying…

Please don’t laugh at me. I have had a hard day.

悼念我刻骨铭心的单恋

这是一篇迟来的文章。

我没有办法在夜深人静的时候独自一个人面对这一番痛,所以选择在特内里费岛机场等待着回家的班机时写下这篇日记。在川流不息的人潮中, 我应该会在这些陌生人身上找到一丝丝的勇气吧!因为有他们的眼神,有他们的关注,我想我总不至于会在大众面前嚎啕大哭吧?!但他们不晓得的是,我即将赤裸裸地把心掏出,再把它身上的疤全部重新打开。我要让这伤口好好的流血,让它刺骨地痛一番,再用我心中的泪水将它彻底的清理干净。唯有如此,这总是隐隐作痛的伤口才有可能完全愈合。

好不容易的,我终于要诚实的地面对已经发生的事实,以及我心中深感的遗憾。

我失恋了。

这十年以来,我一直都深爱着一个男生。我被他的英俊潇洒给吸引了,为他的才华洋溢着迷了。我喜欢上他踏遍世界各地的双足, 仰慕着他的成熟稳重、内涵与气质。他,近乎是个完美的男人。

我喜欢听他唱歌,颂出他心中所渴望的浪漫爱情。我爱看他性感的手腕及修长的手指头在钢琴键上舞蹈着。我迷上他拉小提琴时脸上所流露出的专注与惆怅。我恋上他的灿烂笑容,恋上他被音符与旋律牵引着的手舞足蹈。他是多么地耀眼迷人- 是个属于舞台上的奇人。

我爱上的也是个多愁善感的新好男人。他孝顺爱家,有情有义。他心地善良,并对这世界与社会抱有着无比的责任感。他对自己的工作认真且执着,为了自己的梦想做出了极大的牺牲与奉献。

但看着他过着孤独寂寞的艺术家生涯,居无定所地每天化身为空中飞人,我是多么的疼惜啊!

既然如此,那为什么我却对他突如其来的婚讯感到如此的感伤呢?毫无预警的,晴天霹雳的,我对他所有所有的幻想全都在一瞬间破灭了,全都化成了灰。

现实生活中的我怎么也找不到自己命中注定的爱情。于是,我已不知不觉的把心中的渴望跟情感完完全全的投射在这个完美人身上。不料,现在我竟然连这份虚拟的爱情也没有办法掌握住。像沙子从指缝间流逝一般,我越是想要牢牢抓住,这份莫名其妙的爱意就消失得越快。真没想到,我竟如此荒谬地从一场从未开始过的恋爱中失恋了。奇怪的是,像这样失去从来都不曾拥有的爱情怎么还是会让人如此的悲哀?我的头好晕,心情好沉重,打从骨子里头觉得好难过。现在,到底该怎么办?

他选择的女生小我一岁,是个日-台混血儿。脸蛋特别清秀,身材高挑且亮丽。她在美国的哥伦比亚大学念研究所,所以脑袋也应该不错。他与她是多么的登对,是天作之合。我是应该要祝福他们的。但是,每当我想到他们拉着彼此的小手,或是他们无名指上套着的定情婚戒,我心中最丑陋的嫉妒鬼就是不听使唤的非要出来大闹一番。

再给我多一点时间吧。

时间或许会慢慢地冲淡这份伤感。

时间或许会让我学会祝福。

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In Tenerife

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I am on holiday!

Now, I am sat by the heated pool at my hotel in Tenerife. I am in my bikini, all SPF-ed out and suntanning (whilst keeping all my fingers and toes crossed that the UV rays don’t wrinkle me up). It is so comfortable to finally be away from the wintry cold of England, being here in a foreign country and sat on a deck chair basking in the gentle embrace of Mr Sunshine. There is something strangely calming about watching kids bobbing around in the pool whilst being kept buoyant by their arm floats, seeing little children get all excited as they splash water at each other, and watching the clear blue water fan out as one ripple chases after another. I love the rhythmic sound of cool water lapping up onto the edges of the pool. I listen to the conversations other holiday-makers are having around me, and cannot help but find my brain completely disengaging as they natter on in the background, in Spanish, or Italian, or German- whatever. They speak words that I do not comprehend, so I sit back and switch off, aloof to whatever they think or say.

This holiday has been much needed. The stresses of work and life have been slowly getting to me in the last couple of weeks. Work has been tough, and I have been feeling very incompetent a lot of the time. There was the issue of the boy who got paralysed by dead-space sux while awake, the mental distress of dealing with his mother & a possible complaint, the problem with starting lists late, being unable to perform regional blocks that I am expected to know at my stage, constantly feeling judged by the people around me… and then there are the struggles with life itself- coping with my singleness, resigning to my loneliness, accepting that Leehom is now married (yes he is, but more about this another time), and generally trying to find purpose and joy in the mundane repetition of a boring adult life. I want to lead a purpose-filled existence, a life of fun and of interesting experiences. I want to go places, meet people, taste culinary delights, experience other cultures. I want to wake up daily with a huge smile on my face, excited to get up and say hello to a day that promises achievement and satisfaction. I want to go to bed every night grinning, knowing that it has been yet another day well-lived.

And so it has been nice to break away for a while. It has been lovely to have breakfast and dinner served up to me daily, to have my room tidied by someone else, to laze by the pool like this and let myself go brain-dead for a couple of days, to soak up sunshine that I have been much starved of, to relax and reflect, and to record my thoughts down like this.

This is the first time I am on a holiday like this- one in which I just could not care less. I am not interested in going to see the sights, to eat certain delicacies, to cram in a thousand million things into my itinerary and try to “make the most of this holiday.” I am not bothered about anything at all. I just want to thoroughly chill. If the thought of going somewhere appears remotely stressful, then screw it. I don’t care enough to stress about it. I am here to rest my soul.

The first day I got here, I was post nights and had had a couple of busy days preparing for this trip. This, together with the fact that it rained all day in Tenerife on day 1, meant that I just hit the sack in my hotel room and slept… and slept and slept. I remember waking up to have dinner, going back to my room for a shower, blogging a little, then heading straight back to dreamland yet again.

On my second day, I woke up to a scrumptious breakfast, then hit the pool where I could finally swim! I had been wanting to go swimming while I was still in the UK, but the busy-ness of work and life meant that it stayed on my to-do list for a month and a half. I swam for a long time that day, enjoying the sensation of cool water softly caressing my weary body, reaching deep into the nooks and crannies to provide a rejuvenation of my body and mind. There was a gym instructor who came to join us at the pool that day, and he took us for a session of aquagym- exercises in the water to get your body moving, your heart pumping and your blood circulating. It was super fun, and I am inspired to go for such in-pool exercise classes when I get back to England. For the rest of the day, I went walking along the beaches on the South-West coast of Tenerife. It was scorching hot, and I walked for an exceptionally long distance. I had wanted to get from Fanabe where I was to the Las Americas. It took me 3 hrs, a nearly burnt nose, and a couple of blisters on my feet to finally arrive there. I did a tiny bit of shopping at the Las Americas before I managed to summon sufficient courage to begin the long trek back (thankfully it was evening by then and the sunset was much more forgiving then the midday burn). When I returned to the hotel, it was dinner and then K.O. into the land of realistic fantasy.

Yesterday was probably the only day when I actually visited a tourist destination. I went to Siam Park, The Water Kingdom. Siam park is a huge water park with a Thai theme. It was really really fun! The last time I went to a water park was when I was maybe of primary school age? (I remember it was to the now defunct Fantasy Island in Sentosa). Too young anyway to go on any rides or remember any of the fun. This time, I was determined to go on most of the rides. I started by hitting “Siam beach,” a man made beach complete with “seawater” (which is really just a very large pool of fairly shallow water on concrete ground, capable of producing waves of different sizes). People were all trying to catch the waves, but most like me ended up just being washed away by the sheer strength of the approaching body of water. I also went on the “Naga Racer,” which is essentially a very long, and fairly vertical slide that you slide belly-down on a mat. It was highly exhilarating, especially when you try and keep your eyes open as you make your very fast and very vertical descent. I loved it though, and ended up going 3 times. There was also the “Dragon”, the “Mekong rapids”, and “Kinnaree”- these were all group rides on a huge float, through slides and tunnels with rushing water, tossing you backwards and forwards sometimes in light and occasionally in pitch blackness, turning you around and around, then allowing you to drop almost vertically downwards. It was terrifying, and there were some times when I thought I might actually be thrown out of the float! There were also a couple of rides when I was riding backwards towards a nearly vertical drop. Do you know the feeling of having your gut thrown into your chest when the aeroplane enters an area of turbulence? Well, I felt that a lot yesterday… BUT it was super fun! There was a lot of water splashed, a tonne of hysterical screaming, and a shedload of adrenaline pumping away in my body. The “Giant” was another such ride, a solo ride though, and I enjoyed it so much that I went back for a second serving. I also got to float along the “Mai Thai river” in a float, but that proved to be mind-numbingly boring. With the water turning me clockwise one minute and anticlockwise the next, I actually thought I might be sick. So I abandoned the ride quickly. One other major attraction in the park is “The Tower of Power”- essentially a very long freaky slide that plunges almost vertically down into a glass tube within an aquarium containing sharks! It looked horrifically scary- I gave that a miss for want of my precious little life. I walked everywhere barefooted that day- up concrete stairs, down gravelly paths, across wooden bridges and along the sandy beaches. My poor little abused feet were screaming out in pain by the end of the day and my gait changed into a pathetic limp! Nevertheless, it was a great day all in all, and I would totally recommend visiting that park again (Says the NEVER-adrenaline junkie who has never/ can never/ will never be on a roller coaster. Hear here, all ye who suffer motion sickness, this might just be alright for you!)!!

As for today, I have literally been sitting by the pool/ swimming for the last 3hrs. I am off to a 2hr long “wine ritual lover” treatment (bath, exfoliation, wrap and massage) in about half an hour. Hopefully, that will be really relaxing and totally worth the hole in my pocket the size of 150euros!

* continued…

It is now 2138hrs at night. I have been to my spa day experience and I find myself struggling to describe just how awesome it was. It started with 10mins in the jacuzzi and steam room. Amazingly, I had these facilities all to myself as no one else had booked in for a treatment at the same time. The jets of water at the jacuzzi served as the perfect way to start soothing my achy muscles. After 3 days of walking & swimming, I have overloaded my lazy muscles with exercise that they have not dealt with in a while. Those cheeky buggers are now protesting against the sudden increase in their workload, and I am punished with aching in parts of my body that I did not even know existed.

After the jacuzzi, I headed into the steam room to get my BMR up, to open up my pores and to start purging said clogged pores through intense perspiration. I was careful not to overdo it though, as I clearly remembered how my last steam room experience left me completely and utterly exhausted for the next day and a half.

Following that, my masseuse led me to a private room where my treatments were to officially begin. We started off with a body scrub. I have never had a body scrub in my life and boy did that feel good! I could literally feel layers of dead skin and all the associated encrusted dirt being lifted off me. When I got in the shower to wash the scrub off, I was pleasantly surprised by just how silky-smooth my skin had become! After the exfoliation, I had some kind of mask slathered all over me. From how it smelled, I suspect it was seaweed. I was then wrapped up in a plastic sheet, and then again with some towels. To be honest, I felt like I was some kind of food being prepared for cooking. Washed, scrubbed clean, then marinaded, wrapped up and left to sit for a while before being put in the cooker. Haha. Anyway, I got a head massage thereafter and that felt good.

Finally, after I had the mask washed off, we settled down to the real business. The massage. The masseuse applied oil all over my body. It smelt heavenly… I think it was grape, or mandarin orange. Very skilfully, she pressed and kneaded and knocked on the aching muscles all over my body. My back, neck, legs, arms, abdomen, and even my breasts! It felt so comforting and relaxing to feel the warmth of her silky smooth fingers and hands pushing against my skin, pressing into where I was tense and sore. My brain switched off completely then, and all I could think of was just how much I enjoyed every movement of her nifty massaging hands on my body.

The massage finally ended with a quick wipe down of my body with a lovely warm towel, and I was then offered a glass of red wine, green tea, and some fruit & biscuits. The whole experience was just out of this world…

As I sat on the round rattan chair by the shop window sipping on my red wine, staring out into the dusk and reliving this whole holiday in my head, I cannot help but feel so blessed. I came to Tenerife for relaxation, and I dare say I definitely got it this week.

Dear Lord, thank you.

28

I turned 28 on the 29th of November this year. It was a simple, somewhat lonely affair, much like last year’s birthday “celebrations” (or lack of).

I was on my last night shift of 4 on the 28th leading up to the morning of the 29th, covering the intensive care unit. Whilst I kept quiet about my birthday when working on call at the Royal last year, I decided this year that I wanted to let people know. And so, I went around informing the nursing staff (and patients who were not sedated and ventilated) that “it’s my birthday!” I had wanted to treat the nurses to some food- pizza or something, but we ended up ordering Chinese takeaway and they all very kindly decided that they would chip in. When it got to midnight and the food had arrived, we pulled up some chairs and huddled around the nurses station, locked the doors to the ICU (and got the HDU nurses to watch out for matron coming round doing any spot checks), and we ate food. They also sang me a nice birthday song!

It was so nice to have this mini impromptu party in the unit. I knew that that would probably be the closest I get to having any kind of celebration this year. After all, much as I really do not want to admit it, I do not really have any friends who remember or care enough to meet me for a meal or sing a happy birthday song to me. In fact, the people I really wanted to receive wishes from have all failed me this year- HS, P-mo, Lydia. These are the last few true friends I have left in this city. If even they forget then what hope do I have of celebrating this day with the people I love? Heck, even my dad had forgotten- I had to ring him up to ask why he had not even so much as sent a text to me.

I think it is sad that I have gotten into such a state where I do not have any real friends anymore… the loud, humorous, extrovert with friends aplenty is now reduced to this- lonely and forgotten, seeking comfort from careless well-wishes politely offered by people I hardly know. I understand full well that adult friendships are particularly hard to maintain; afterall, I have lost many friends to time and distance. And so, I do try my very hardest to maintain my friendships, sending occasional texts, emails, cards and letters to the people I want to keep hold of in my life. I want people to know that I still think of them and that they are still important to me. Unfortunately, the reverse does not seem to be true. My friends have all moved on in their lives. They are so busy with their new friendships, their new husbands, new wives, new babies, new houses and new jobs. They are too busy for me.

I honestly do not think that I am a bad friend… I am open and honest, and I try and be there whenever people need me. So many people have come to me pouring out their woes about being single, about desiring non Christian men, about their struggles at work or with exams. When they come to me, I share my struggles with them. I open up my heart and show them the raw, bleeding truth of my emotions and thoughts. I relate to them, and try my best to encourage my friends in The Lord. Nevertheless, it often feels that the significance of my presence in this world is feathery light, as I am as swiftly forgotten as genies vanish in a puff of smoke. When my friends’ problems pass or when their wishes get granted, I am almost always shown to the exit doors of their lives. I honestly do not begrudge them. I fully understand that life has taken us in different directions and we are journeying with different itineraries. Yet, a tiny part of me inside just cannot help but feel so sad, so disappointed, so forgotten and lonely…

Anyway, back to the birthday story. God was remarkably good to me that night. The patients on ICU were all incredibly stable, and there were no trauma calls or ward calls all night. In fact, the bleep did not even go off once! I managed to get some shut eye that night, and was pleasantly awoken by a phone call from the W family- I heard the sound of happy children singing, and that immediately put a smile on my face. After I got home from work, I had a couple of hours sleep before heading down to the apple store in town- I was determined to get myself an iPad air, and was pleasantly surprised that I had bagged a Black Friday discount on my new gadget. I tried to ask for an extra birthday discount, but that was not so successful. I think I ended up paying about £508 for my iPad. After that, I headed home for dinner and cake. I had a nice Chinese takeaway dinner by myself that night, I drank a glass of celebratory scholer, then lit up some candles on a Victoria sponge cake from M&S. I sang my own birthday song, made a couple of wishes, and opened my birthday presents. This year, I received a card from KS, a large box of twinnings specialty teas from Joyce and SP, and the iPad air I bought myself. Although the gifts presented to me are few and small, I am ever so thankful to God for them.

Unfortunately, I think this blog post has unexpectedly morphed into a depressing cry for help and attention. I am not seeking any sympathy, just a channel to get some things off my chest. After all, nobody’s really interested in hearing my woes so I have no choice but to pour it out here. I know that God is fully aware of how I am slowly drowning in my own loneliness, and I pray that he will quickly offer a hand to pull me out of this engulfing quicksand. In the meantime, dear Lord, help me continue to trust that you will offer me rescue someday. Someday.