My heart is filled with longing tonight.
I feel love-sick. Except that this love-sickness isn’t directed at anyone in particular. In fact, there isn’t even a single person in my life that I vaguely admire and can feel love-sick for at the moment. I don’t know how, or why, but I am just missing someone, somewhere; wishing for someone, somewhere.
My heart is thirsty; for an attachment, a spiritual connection, a commitment. My head is sorely wanting; for a shoulder to lean on, a chest to cry into, an arm to rest onto. My hands are fervently desiring; for someone to hold it, kiss it, and guide me to dance with it. My chest is aching; full of thirst, wanting, desire.
Perhaps I am love-sick for love.
On nights like this, it is really hard to trust that the Lord knows best and is in complete control over my life. When I browse through facebook and learn that yet another friend is engaged, or pregnant, or celebrating a wedding anniversary, or preparing for a child’s birthday, it is so hard not to feel particularly lonely and wanting. Especially when I know that I am no where near a relationship, a marriage or a pregnancy like them. Especially when I am living alone, here in a little town where none of my friends are, and working in an place where colleagues can be quite hostile. Especially when life is currently a boring cycle of work-study-sleep. Especially when there is an important exam looming ahead and there is hardly anything to look forward to in the foreseeable future.
I know people often say that “the grass is always greener on the other side”– single people always crave to be in a relationship, whilst some married couples wish they had stayed single for longer. A relationship may seem satisfying in many ways, but I must remember that being one half of a couple brings with it its own woes too. I know full well that I should embrace my singlehood and all the freedom that it affords me; but just for tonight, let me wallow in my own self-pity.
God provides for His people. He knows the desires of our hearts and wants to bless us with His goodness and grace. God knows what I am thinking and how I am feeling, and He already knows what He is going to do about it. But I don’t. And so, like a spoilt little child, I am crying out to my father “I want that. I want that NOW! I want you to give me what I want. *sob *wail * sniff.” I am throwing a tantrum and making a scene. I am like a brat accusing my “selfish” father of depriving me of my liberty to own the beautiful barbie doll that I want oh-so-terribly. And my father? He is anything but the miserly dad I have accused Him to be. He is generous and loving and kind. He has refused to give me what I want now, because He has prepared a wonderful doll-house filled with gorgeous barbie dolls (including the one I want) and stunning barbie dresses that He plans to present to me on another special occasion. God has it all planned out and He knows what He is doing. He wants to give me the best things at the best times.
I should trust that.
What a hard thing to do.
Lord, please help me to be patient.